Friday, 5 August 2011

Why oh why did I have to go and Google?

So as you know I have epilepsy (frontal and temporal lobe) it is the bane of my bloody life and I HATE it with a passion at the moment rrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh to epilepsy.
I was put on one medication for it, had the dose increased then had a side effect to it. I basically woke up one morning feeling like I had gone 10 rounds with Frank Bruno (old ex English boxer for you non poms) had done a really full on work out and all my muscles where stiff and aching and I was walking around like a demented cowboy or should I say cowgirl.
I am being weaned off of it, and go and see the neurologist on friday to change to a new drug.

Anyway, last night I had a pretty freaky nights sleep. I would be holding something in my dream (like a spoon) and I could actually physically feel it. I would then sit bolt upright and try and put it in my mouth and be all confused as to why the spoon wasn't there and where it had gone. It happened lots throughout the night with various objects.

So I woke up this morning, curious as to whether this was some freaky form of a fit, or whether I may be hallucinating still. I googled both FLE and TLE and was reading happily about all the things that occur with them couldn't find anything that fit my freaky dream though.
Anyway the point of all of this is I got to the list of drugs that treat both forms of epilepsy and saw the drug I am being changed to, so I did what any normal person would do, I clicked on it.
I read away and was really excited it really does sound like the drug that will fix not only my epilepsy but also help a hell of a lot with my psychiatric condition.
THEN...then came the side effects...all the usual kinds at first, nothing too concerning, nothing I haven't experienced before. All very reassuring.
AND THEN and then came the pictures...the scary, scary pictures and the words "BLACK BOX LABEL WARNINGS"
This stuff CAN cause 3 freaky different kinds of flesh removing conditions. It is very, very, very, very extremely rare but it can happen.

I worry. I worry about these things because I am the girl that got a pulmonary embolism after having abdominal surgery (appendix removal)
My son got stuck when I got induced and was born by emergency c-section, blue and not breathing.
I had a monumental breakdown at the beginning of this year, and then found out I also have epilepsy.
Whilst I was in the psychiatric hospital I had a full on head to toe allergic reaction to something that we never really found out what the cause was.
I seem to be the person that gets the rare one in a squillion risk thing happen to me. However that is very "Glass is half empty" thinking.
A wise and wonderful woman taught me recently that firstly "the glass is half full" always. and have no expectations. I am trying to follow this wisdom and on the whole it is working well for me...but with this, it just doesn't quite work.
In summary I am a paranoid freak who is going to spend the next week worrying pointlessly about something that does not become an issue until friday next week and is such a rare thing I shouldn't blow it up into this huge big thing.
I am catastophising, I am fortune telling, I am black and white thinking, I am doing every basic thinking error in the psychological books and I don't know how to stop it. Tonight I am battling my daemons by the power of knitting. That'll get em.

Thank you for reading xx