- I am able to identify emotions and their warning signs most of the time before it reaches crisis. It isn't 100% because things still sneak up on me and take me by suprise (such as thursdays anger thing).
- I can "sit" with most of the smaller emotions and ride the wave
- I can anticipate situations that are going to cause me an issue, and try and form a coping action plan.
- I can identify a fair amount of things that are triggers and do my best when I am strong enough to avoid them.
- I am better at identifying what kind of people cause me issues, and deal with them accordingly.
- I have not self harmed in over 2 weeks (unless biting nails and picking scabs counts)
- Thanks to my friends on friday evening, and my lunch with Letia on monday, I have learned that I can put myself in social situations and not feel like a social outcast with "Nutter" tattoo'd on my forehead.
- I can travel on public transport and walk around shopping centres as long as I have music playing very loudly in my headphones.
- I walked Barney yesterday without being taken by the "big Bad Wolf, or the secret Black ninjas that hide in the trees.
- Every day I take a step forward in coping with the kids better.
- I have been sober since January 23rd (apart from a sneeky glass of wine during the easter weekend)
So since thursday evening things have been going well. I am experiencing pleasing emotions and sitting with them although I have The Toxic waste, The alien telling me it isn't going to last, that everything is going to come crashing down around me sooner rather than later. At the moment I am choosing to ignore it.
Also it is very surprising to learn that the Psychologists and my psychiatrist speak the truth. The only thing that is going to help me get better is exposure, sitting with feelings, and doing things that make you feel uncomfortable until you are ok with it. Also Validation and emotional reasoning helps keep the nasty head talk in check. Who'd have thought it!
I do have to keep in check though, because when things run ok like this, I tend to get delusions of grandeur and feel like I can take on the world and win and have such plans. Then the plans cause pressure, and the pressure causes me to fold and thats the end of the happiness and the beginning of the end.
Sunday we took the kids to sea world, which was a huge deal for me. 1) there were lots and lots and lots of people 2) there was lots and lots and lots of noise 3) there was lots and lots and lots of chaos and disorder. All of which don't sit well in my current state of mind. The kids ran amok and I was in a heightened state of panic because I could not keep sight of both of them at the same time. I suppose I should have explained my requirements to Jamie beforehand, that I needed him to comply with my need to have the kids close by to keep me at ease, but I didn't until the end (and I kind of shouted it at him as I lost my temper) But. I survived. I didn't fall completely to pieces and was kind of able to enjoy bits of it. I look at it as a major step in the right direction because I coped under immense perceived pressure and threat.
This has taken me 4 days to write and I can't really remember much more of what went on. I will try and get back into daily posts for the rest of the week.
Thank you for reading, xxx