Friday, 5 August 2011

Why oh why did I have to go and Google?

So as you know I have epilepsy (frontal and temporal lobe) it is the bane of my bloody life and I HATE it with a passion at the moment rrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh to epilepsy.
I was put on one medication for it, had the dose increased then had a side effect to it. I basically woke up one morning feeling like I had gone 10 rounds with Frank Bruno (old ex English boxer for you non poms) had done a really full on work out and all my muscles where stiff and aching and I was walking around like a demented cowboy or should I say cowgirl.
I am being weaned off of it, and go and see the neurologist on friday to change to a new drug.

Anyway, last night I had a pretty freaky nights sleep. I would be holding something in my dream (like a spoon) and I could actually physically feel it. I would then sit bolt upright and try and put it in my mouth and be all confused as to why the spoon wasn't there and where it had gone. It happened lots throughout the night with various objects.

So I woke up this morning, curious as to whether this was some freaky form of a fit, or whether I may be hallucinating still. I googled both FLE and TLE and was reading happily about all the things that occur with them couldn't find anything that fit my freaky dream though.
Anyway the point of all of this is I got to the list of drugs that treat both forms of epilepsy and saw the drug I am being changed to, so I did what any normal person would do, I clicked on it.
I read away and was really excited it really does sound like the drug that will fix not only my epilepsy but also help a hell of a lot with my psychiatric condition.
THEN...then came the side effects...all the usual kinds at first, nothing too concerning, nothing I haven't experienced before. All very reassuring.
AND THEN and then came the pictures...the scary, scary pictures and the words "BLACK BOX LABEL WARNINGS"
This stuff CAN cause 3 freaky different kinds of flesh removing conditions. It is very, very, very, very extremely rare but it can happen.

I worry. I worry about these things because I am the girl that got a pulmonary embolism after having abdominal surgery (appendix removal)
My son got stuck when I got induced and was born by emergency c-section, blue and not breathing.
I had a monumental breakdown at the beginning of this year, and then found out I also have epilepsy.
Whilst I was in the psychiatric hospital I had a full on head to toe allergic reaction to something that we never really found out what the cause was.
I seem to be the person that gets the rare one in a squillion risk thing happen to me. However that is very "Glass is half empty" thinking.
A wise and wonderful woman taught me recently that firstly "the glass is half full" always. and have no expectations. I am trying to follow this wisdom and on the whole it is working well for me...but with this, it just doesn't quite work.
In summary I am a paranoid freak who is going to spend the next week worrying pointlessly about something that does not become an issue until friday next week and is such a rare thing I shouldn't blow it up into this huge big thing.
I am catastophising, I am fortune telling, I am black and white thinking, I am doing every basic thinking error in the psychological books and I don't know how to stop it. Tonight I am battling my daemons by the power of knitting. That'll get em.

Thank you for reading xx

Sunday, 31 July 2011

Epilepsy and its impact on my so called life.

It has been just under a month since I have blogged. I have been in a very scary, very dark place thoughts too unsafe to share in a blog, words to dangerous to even write down on paper.

However, look at me for the most part of that month and you would not realise that ticking away in my little brain hiding behind the well placed, well used well rehearsed mask were some pretty dark self-destruct ideations and notions. But those are not to share, those are to stay locked away in the nice little containment area I created for them.

I am sitting here with the flu, hacking my guts up and struggling to breathe. I know I need to go to a doctors and get some antibiotics, but I don't want to go to the new one here and have to go through my now very complicated past and my weird and freaky allergic reaction which may or may not have been due to antibiotics. So I will have to try and coordinate a visit to my normal GP between their availability and Jamies.

I have also had a freaky side effect to the anti epileptics. I was slightly aware of it when I was on the smaller dose, but blamed it on Jamie and his disco legs. My muscles shaking very gently, but shaking all the same. When I went up to the next dose, I could feel it all the time and could barely walk, it felt like I had just gone and done a hard-core workout and all my muscles hurt (walkin' like a cowboy!). so I am being withdrawn from the current stuff, and will be restarted on some new stuff on the 12th August. My 3 months of no driving does not even BEGIN until the epilepsy is under control :o( so I have to hope my body handles the next drug better than the first.

I think I have just got to the point where I am so tired of it all. I had just got to a point where I was going to be picking up the kids from kindy early and spending more time with them and that has been taken away from me.
I was feeling ready to be more social and get out and about with my old friends and I feel like that has gone too.
I feel like I am under house arrest and I feel like a child and I can not move away from those feelings. I am trapped in a really messy house and I CBF'd to do anything about it because none else gives a damn, and I am starting to lose my art mojo...if that goes....I will be broken.

Robbie has been done before but it is how I is feelin today so here we go again!!

So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinkin' about thinkin'
It's overrated, just get another drink and

Watch me come undone

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Pity party.

Welcome to my Pity Party, Everybody is welcome. There are chips and dips, chocololate and lemonade, jelly cups and party pies.
I also have streamers, party hats and a piniata.

Prize goes to the person who comes up with the best self-depreciating statement.

You will obviously all go home with party packs.

That is all.

(ps. L...could not link my video no matter how hard i tried)

Monday, 4 July 2011

Riding the emotion roller coaster

What did I do today? I mostly slept.
What do I do most days? sleep and watch mind rotting TV.
Am I likely to be going anywhere this afternoon/ on wednesday/ friday?....ooops, of course you wont.
The highlight of my week? getting out of the boundaries of the 4 walls that is my house to go to a bloody psychiatric hospital.

I breathe in and out, exchanging carbon dioxide for oxygen.
I have a pulse, it proves that my blood is circulating around my body.
My heart is beating, I am alive.
My brain is thinking, more evidence I am alive.
My nerves are sending impulses to my fingers and toes, making them tingle, so I am not completely numb.

I have little purpose, I feel once more like I am going through the motions, only this time a little bit more pathetic than before because now I am so completely dependant on my husband for getting around. I feel caged, I ask myself what is the point of staying here? What is the point with carrying on with the DBT

Then there's the pills. Sitting in a metal safe (unlocked). 5 different pills. Antidepressants, mood stabilisers, anti anxiety pills, epilepsy medication, special night time antidepressants. I am really starting to resent that little metal box. It is a chore going there 3 times a day to get my pills that rattle around inside me. It is such a bloody effort and I really hate it. It is such a silly feeling to hate and resent a box full of things that are helping you; but I do and it is building to the point where I want to get a bloody great sledge hammer and pulverize the metal box (pills included) until it is a warped, twisted tiny ball of nothingness.
THEN I will get in the car, drive to the nearest bottle-o get shit loads of alcohol and go wild and crazy on the streets of Coomera (or maybe I should drive to Surfers and go wild and go crazy, it would have more street cred)

I feel such a huge disconnect with the real world right now, it is impossible for me to see myself ever fitting back into it. I feel that every effort I am making to make some money is just a joke and a waste of time, money and effort. I am an emotional, financial and whatever else sponge and it is my poor husband that takes the weight.

Thursday, 30 June 2011

F off FOF


I think I have experienced my first out-and out judgement on me and my mental illness. By a basic stranger (friend of a friend), but someone i've never been anything other than nice to. It feels strange because I do project judgement onto myself, but when you know it is real and there in flesh and blood it makes me ANGRY.
I am only a risk to myself. I am a mother of 2 children and am sensible enough to know that if I become a danger to anyone other than myself I will phone up my doctor and get sent to hospital. I go to Belmont rather than Currumbin because my husband works in Brisbane and is therefore a more convenient choice for us. No other sinister reason than that.

 I would never be around anyone when I am feeling unsafe, apart from people who know and I trust and people I know understand. I would not do anything to anyone else, especially not anyone else's child.

I would also not be around other children if I thought I was a threat to anyone else than myself and I have DRs, psychologists and so on all telling me the only person I am a menace to is myself. And I am also only a menace to my ownself on my own property/ hospital.

If you happen to be said friend of friend, then feel free to get my phone number and call and we can have a conversation about this because most of the time I am good, this blog is about me setting free emotions that would otherwise build up and make me not safe. You have made me feel angry by not directly asking friend the questions you so desperately want to ask.

Now on to my actual topic of blogging.
This epilepsy business.
I hate it.
Can someone direct me to the point in my life where I took the wrong path made the wrong decisions to do the wrong things. To try so hard to be the person I was not supposed to be. Show me where I should have gone and who I should have been to avoid all this messed up shit that goes on in my head.

Is it because I have tried so hard all my life to fit in with people I had no right fitting in with? is it because I was always a try hard? is it because I didn't make a stand when people bullied my friends, or that I could not fight back when I was being bullied. Was I trying too hard to be someone I wasn't, was it I wasn't trying hard enough to be what I was?

Whatever it is, whatever it was I have made it on to someones shit list, and I am now a slave to 7 different medications which make me feel like the living dead, a huge burden on my husband who has to carry the weight of my illness on his shoulders and now also has to be my transport, my financial support my cheer leader. He is my donkey my "irritating talking beast of burden" to quote shrek!!

I am doing everything possible to make myself come good, to make myself a better person, and then just when I  think everything's going so well, I get kicked down to the ground and I have to pick myself up again. Well this time it is not so easy and I  feel like I am clawing my way across the floor.
I feel like I am a let down to my family for being so honest
I feel like I am a let down to my family for being so far away
I feel like I am a let down for not being a functional wife
I feel like I am a let down for not being a functional mum
I feel like a let down for not being a functional person
I feel like a let down for being a slave to pills
I feel like a let down for letting a stranger make me feel so bloody angry
I feel like a let down for letting this stranger question every last thing about me
I feel Angry about leting this stranger question whether I should even continue to blog
I feel angry, numb, empty, failed, malfunctioned, stupid.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Epilepsy and applying DBT skills.

So I have epilepsy. No ideas as to how or why I have it, it is just there in my brain doing its thing whenever it feels like it. The solution is more medication on top of all the psychiatric drugs I will hear me rattle long before you see me!!!
Oh and I can't drive. At all. But as my husband (who has swallowed my DBT manual) stated: one of my goals is to lose weight and get fit. If I want to go anywhere it will now be by push-bike which will aid me in my weight loss and my need to do some exercise, so there is some slightly warped good coming out of something. I'm not really relishing the prospect of cycling all the way down the road which is really uppy-downy but am looking forward to the enormous sense of achievement and hot bath after it is done.

I refuse to become a home-bound crazy lady and I will use this as much as I can to my benefit. I will have to make sure I remember this on days when everything seems so hard.

I have also demonstrated to myself how well I am doing in DBT because I can accept it for what it is, without any judgement and sit with it. I have also used my "decision box" and can see and accept that although it is important to me, it is out of my control, and there is no point in wasting time and energy worrying over it...I'll just make another scarf or 10 instead!!

It also isn't the miracle answer for why I went crazy in the first place, but that would be too much to expect/ wish for. I am a medical curiosity with my many quirks, but have a good team of doctors and psychologists looking after me and have faith that they will help me through this to recovery.

Oh and one last good thing about the epilepsy medication is that it suppresses the appetite, and therefore counteracts the seroquel munchies that are responsible for a shocking weight gain!!

Enough waffling, thanks for reading xxxx

Sunday, 26 June 2011

dissociation and amnesia.

This morning I am experiencing short term memory loss. It is frightening. I honestly can not remember basic things that I should know. Things like where I have put things, or putting things in completely the wrong place, have I taken my medication? and the list goes on...I find myself in a room going round in circles trying to remember what I was looking for or why I even came into that particular room. I hate my Brain.

Tomorrow I finally get to see my neurologist to find out what is causing the abnormal brain activity in my right frontal lobe, I hope I get some kind of answer and not just another long list of tests I have to have. At least I know it is not a brain tumour as I had an MRI a few weeks ago.

My arm is starting to hurt, which means my burns are getting infected so I am going to have to clean them out and dress them and start the healing process. I really wish I could give up smoking to remove that option as a method of self-punishment, however I can't it is my one "crutch" that helps me get through the day. And I do believe that my brain would devise another evil form of self punishment if that  one was removed.

I feel partially dissociated most of the time. It is an odd feeling, it is kind of like in star trek when they get beamed up. As they are being beamed up they are all pixellated, and that is how it feels. That and spending hours of the day staring into space and not being in the present.

Oh the joys of being a mentalist.

Thanks for reading my rather uninspired post xx

Friday, 24 June 2011

Building self esteem.

Had an absolutely shit evening on wednesday, which followed into thursday thanks to DBT. A new topic always seems to generate new things from the dark and twisty vaults of hell that is my brain.
My brain/ body's way of coping with this is to take the easy path and that is to use all my bad habits to avoid the hidden thing, instead of working hard and doing the right stuff.
So I OCD'd and I did some other bad stuff, but rather than dwell on the black, bleak nasty stuff I have made the decision to put in the hard yards and really start concentrating on applying my DBT skills at all times.
We are doing interpersonal skills/ relationships. I am finding it hard, and it turns out you actually have to like yourself if you want to have functioning grown up relationships with people. We had to choose one of the 11 basic human rights to work on this week. I chose 2: The right to be treated with respect (which is me learning to treat myself with respect) and 11: the right to feel good about yourself.

It occurred to me that the more I harm myself, the worse I am going to look, the less I am going to like myself. It will get harder and harder to explain the scars away to my children. I will in the future get tattoos to cover them but it needs to stop, so I need to get off my fat arse and work.

I am using an Angel book my good friend lent me for affirmations/ angels to help me through the day. I am also looking after myself by not self-harming with food. I am watching what I eat and trying to make the right choices.

My angel advice for the day is "Forgive yourself" it says..."I am much too hard on myself...I believe that perfection is a requirement of being valued, yet you're entirely loveable as you stumble, learn, grow and move on. That is why the most important acts of forgiveness are the ones  i direct inwards. when I learn to lovingly embrace every part of myself, the spark within me beams as brightly as a searchlight, healing and attracting others who benefit from my warmth and wisdom..." (Doreen Virtue)

Let me see if I can make it through the whole week liking myself...

Thanks for reading xx

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

I refuse to censor myself.

This is my blog, my personal diary of my journey through the ups and downs of my mental illness.
I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) PND (post natal depression) PTSD (post traumatic distress) GAD (generalised Anxiety disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder and depression. Long standing depression.

What I write in this blog is a true reflection of what is happening in my life and the impact it has on me and my family. Sometimes the things I write are horrible. I talk about things that many can not comprehend. Like how did I get to the point where I wanted to end everything, where my brain started telling me I needed to physically punish myself and do horrific things to myself, and how can I be blessed with such an amazing family, yet feel so numb and so empty a lot of the time.

I am doing DBT which is a course that is helping me learn and understand the whys and the wherefores and there are lots of aspects about my mental health that even i don't understand. Until the point it all makes sense I am going to keep doing this blog and continue to be as frank and honest as I have been preciously. I refuse to censor myself because I need this outlet. Writing a personal journal does not work because I don't write it, but blogging is like writing it on a page and setting it on fire. Once the words are written and the publish post button pushed it has gone and it is a weight off my mind.
I will put "trigger" in the title if it is a bad one, but basically if you don't want to read about what I am going through, then simply don't read. If you are interested, then by all means continue and I am never afraid to answer any questions you may have on the various aspects of my illness.

I am back to numbness due to a change in subject in DBT and it is taking all my energy and effort not to do the things my brain is telling me to do. I have to thank my friend Laura for having me over night and for letting me OCD her living area as a form of avoidance from the dark and evil things my brain wants me to do to myself.

I have a lot to work on this week, and it is going to be hard and take all my energy to stay on the straight and narrow. But I refuse to give in to my toxic waste, my alien so I am going to fight.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Ups and Downs

I woke up yesterday feeling bad, so bad all I could think about were the dark and twisty things I wanted to do to myself. There was no obvious trigger for this, although I had slept very poorly thanks to my hubby who left me sleeping on the floor in Ronny's room.

Friday is a day where me and a couple of friends get together and do crafty things which usually involves us sitting at a table buried under paper, wool, scissors, and miscellaneous pretty things whilst eating chocolate, cheese balls and talking. No expectations on how we are supposed to act, we can just simply be.
I was feeling so bad that I wanted to not go to craft friday and had a plan of doing lots of dark and twisty things to myself. I knew what I was going to do and I craved it, but I had let my friend down once this week already, I felt I couldn't do it again so along I went feeling all fucked up.
By the time I got there I was feeling really bad, but after a chat over coffee and a nicotine fix my friend took me to all these amazing craft shops selling handmade items. I was in awe, I was in love, I was in creative overload.
One shop I went into, the shop owner fell in love with my scarf and asked if I was interested in making them and selling them in her shop. I said yes and am now a commissioned artist for this store making scarves, blankets and tea-cosies!! all hand knitted and crochet-ed. I am excited. Who would have thought that the concept of knitting and crocheting tea cosies would be enough to stop all thoughts of self-harm and doom and gloom!

Today has been a bit down, don't really know why. I have been very sleepy and have had a lot of sleep time today. It has been a struggle, but I don't know why but I do seem to have got through it.

We  (my crafty friend and I) are in the early stages of setting up an online store to sell our arty goods too, my sometimes lovely husband has done all the IT stuff to make it possible and now we are doing all the frilly bits to make it look like somewhere you'd like to buy stuff from. I am going to start a craft blog in the coming weeks too.

Thanks for reading. xxxxx

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

OCD how I hate thee.

Whenever I gain control over one aspect in my life, and start to feel happy and everything is going so well, OCD rears its ugly head and I find myself having to fight the toxic waste all over again.
This is the thing with OCD, my former psychologist explained it as one of those fairground attractions where you have to hit the things on the head, when you think they have all gone one pops up in another area. So where I am now feeling quite balanced and on the right path with my recovery OCD rears its ugly head once more.

OCD is not just about hand washing, and counting and repetitive behaviour, it is rituals and structure and doing things because you believe that the day will crumble if you don't do things in a particular way.
I have challenged my cleaning OCD today. I had to ignore the chaos that is our house and just do my normal things blind to the mess.

It was kind of easy to begin with because I have had a sore back, but as the day progressed I found myself being more and more anxious which resulted in me spending a lot of time in bed.

Today I have also had a lot of my funny head thing happening, alongside my funny hand thing. I get slightly distressed about the hand thing because it is my left hand and I am a leftie, and therefore interferes with most of the things I enjoy and use as "Mindfulness"...oh well, only another 2 weeks before I see the neurologist.

Thats all for today, thanks for reading xx

Monday, 13 June 2011

Everything's going so well,

Oops, so it has been nearly a week since my update. Need to sort that one out!!

So I survived looking after the children,  I would like to thank all my friends for offering help and for being there as emergency back up. Thankfully I did not need to utilise them and had a really great time bonding with my children.
I found friday a bit harder than thursday but only becuase the kids were excited about seeing Daddy, but he didn't get home until very late (even though he said he'd be early)  so they were upset that they couldn't see him and would not go to sleep.

During the day I had my friends over for "Craft day" where we do what ever we feel like, and feel safe to be ourselves what ever mood we are in, and there is no pressure to talk we can simply sit comfortably in each others company.

The weekend was kind of a typical weekend, with chaos, disorder and shouting and I didn't cope very well on saturday.
Sunday I went to the craft and textiles expo, which was a big effort for me, it was crowded, it was noisy and I had to get there by public transport.
Going on the train was really relaxing, I listened to music and enjoyed the motion and feeling of being on a train. Being at the expo was stressful due to the number of people and the noise...but the benefit of looking at amazing craft/ art work far outweighed the negatives of being in an uncomfortable situation.

Today I had friends over this morning, it feels good to finally be back in the social loop and not feel strange, different or an outcast. I actually feel like I am part of the human race again.

I am enjoying my art and craft, and currently knitting a can-can scarf...I will post pictures when it is finished, but it is colourful, ruffly and therapeutic to get the old knitting needles out again.

Thanks for reading,

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Me and My dodgy brain.

So it turns out there is something showing up in the right frontal lobe of my brain, but no evidence of epilepsy. I now have the joyous task of waiting until the 28th June until I see the neurologist to find out what exactly it all means.
Now applying my DBT skills I use my worry decision boxes. This is something that is important to me, but that I have no control over. I have to "sit on it" and leave it in the hands of those who know. Can I do it....lets see.

Today has been another ok day. Cold, and therefore unmotivated to move from my nice warm cocoon so am rotting my brain watching Jersey Shore (can't be doing my unusual thing any good!) Tonight is going to be my first night with the kids alone since I had my breakdown. I am actually feeling quite relaxed about it. I am going to pick them up early from kindy so they can bounce every last bit of energy out on the trampoline, then have dinner, bath and bed.

I was planning on working on my big mandala today, but I just don't know where to start. I know what I  want it to look like but I'm too scared to stick the first ball on it incase I ruin it!!

I had an amazing morning chatting to someone who is only recently new in my life and a new member of our family. It constantly surprises me when I get support from people I least expect, it reaffirms that honesty about my condition is the best way for me to move forward.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, it is craft day and a few dear friends come over, we eat lots of chocolate and make pretty things. We will be felting tomorrow so i am hopefully finally going to finish my bowl-of-doom so I can cut it off the football and start decorating it.

Thats about it for today, Ill let you know how it goes with the kids tomorrow.

Thans for reading xxx

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

From Empowered to slightly numb in 1 week.

I have had a very empowering week. I feel that to some degree I was living a normal life.  I have socialised fairly frequently which is something that I lost when I had my breakdown. It was nice to get in touch with my old friends and realise they were still there for me, still my friends with no judgments made.

It was my daughters 2nd birthday last week (thursday) and I planned "A small, simple gathering" to celebrate her turning 2. My small simple gathering was about 30 adults and 30 kids!!! I always seem to do this and usually it would cause me to collapse, but I think I held it together really well and enjoyed being in the presence of all the people that mean something to me. I tried to make sure I spoke to everyone, but I think I failed that one quite miserably but just the amount of joy, happiness and laughs coming from the party was so healing for me. I thank everyone that came to Amelia's party for making it a happy, joyous time and thanks for all the amazing presents.

Monday I had my repeat EEG, and that got me wound up in the wonderful "Worry cycle" because I think i put words and meaning in my head from things the technician said to me. But as I have learned in DBT: although it is important to me, it is out of my control, therefore I wont try to think about it until the results are given to me. My worrying is not going to change those results.

Tuesday I was feeling a bit shaky and a bit off centre, but I think most of that was worrying about things out of my control!! In fact when I woke up, the thought of going to DBT horrified me so much I wasn't going to go. But that = avoidance and I don't benefit from not going, in fact I would have missed what turned out to be a very helpful session for me. Also I really like my DBT crew and would have missed seeing them and talking to them (and I will apologise once more for the coffee table incident with the nightmare person from hell!!)
in the afternoon after aimlessly wondering around the Carindale centre for ages window shopping, I started to feel hyper sensitive, and by the time my husband got to pick me up (4:15 instead of 3) I was feeling over stimulated (not as kinky as it sounds sadly!) my body just could not handle any more noise,  feeling, touch or anything. I needed to be numb but a new kind of numb (I think) I needed to be in a dark, soundproof, padded cell curled up in a ball with a duvet (or doona for the Aussie contingent) 
Instead what I got was lots of conflicting noises, screaming, loud over excited kids, barking dog, shouty husband  (when I say shouty I just mean he is talking in his salesman loud voice) TV noise noise noise.
I felt bad because kids, husband and dog all wanted cuddles and affection from me, but all I wanted was deadened senses and silence. The final insult for me was taking my night time meds to knock me out into blissful unconsciousness, only for them not to have their usual effect and I could hear my husband snoring very loudly all bloody night, but I was too doped up to be able to communicate my anger or kick him as I normally would.

Today, feeling really lousy, just want to sleep the day away, but i am aware of a very messy house that will keep on calling to me until I have no choice but to get out of bed and clean. I think I might just take some PRN have a good sleep and then hopefully feel all awake and refreshed and able to tackle the days tasks.

Thanks for reading xxxx

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Self-esteem, Self- worth, Self-Respect: The Bill of Basic human rights

  • The Bill of basic human rights are:
  • The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self respect (as long as others rights are not violated in the process:

I really don't know how I CAN promote my dignity and self respect when I have no self respect. I think I have the power to stand up to someone if they started to tease me (or any of my friends) about my mental state of mind. Self respect means that you respect (duh) yourself and love what you see. I can see that it will always be an uphill battle for me, because I have had a life time of self- hatred and I disrespect myself and my body.

  • The right to be treated with respect:
To be treated with respect, you have to have respect for yourself. I am the master of deflecting peoples respect and putting a twist on it because my core-beliefs tell me I am worthless and useless so why would anyone want to show me any respect.
  • The right to say no and not feel guilty:
I am hopeless at this. I feel guilty saying no to anyone. This is always my downfall and usually an indication that my condition will deteriorate and I have self-harm thoughts. It has got me into a situation where I was being emotionally manipulated, and yet as much as I realised this, it took me a long time to turn around to this person and say "NO" enough is enough. 
I also have a deep rooted fear that if I do say no to someone, i am going to be hated and ridiculed. It gives me the worst feeling of guilt, the kind that makes you sick to your stomach.
  • The right to experience and express your feelings:
When I looked at this one in DBT I thought that it was something I couldn't do. But sitting here in front of the computer, I realise that this is what my blog allows me to do. I experience my many feelings and emotions and then am able to sit and express them through this blog. Progress for me YAY!!
  • The right to take time to slow down and think:
This is something that I will not let myself do. If I sit down and take time to think about things or think things through I end up making things a bigger/ worse deal than it really is, or I will talk myself out of something, or I put myself down. Slowing down is not permissible in my life, it has dangerous consequences.
  • The right to change your mind:
This is something I am getting better at. As I get more in touch with what I can and can't do with my mental illness I am able to judge when I am able to go out into the big real world and when I can't.
There are still sometimes when the guilt gets the better of me and I can't change my mind as much as I really know I should. (again fear of ridicule and rejection)
  • The right to ask for what you want:

  • I can do this most of the time, I'm just not very good at verbalising it. Also it is annoying when you want something; for example, a set of 120 prisma color pencils.  You ask very nicely, flutter your eyelashes and use your sexy voice, justify the need, for someone (eg) your husband to turn around and say no. I feel that that was a pretty big infringement on my right to ask for what I want...and get!!!
  • The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing:
I feel like I do this all of the time, but I am sure that it is not true. Not really sure I actually understand this one!
  • The right to ask for information:
I like to think I am pretty good at this one. I have always believed that it is important to keep informed about things, and have a knowledge of medication, treatments and  tests you have to have.  Sometimes I feel intimidated asking it, but I understand the need to understand is more important that the fear of asking a stupid question.
  • The right to make mistakes:
Mistakes do not compute in my brain. It is not permissible for me to make a mistake ever. If I make a mistake I consider myself a failure and punish myself accordingly. I try and relax this, but it is one of my rotten core beliefs that Mistakes= failure = punishment.
  • The right to feel good about yourself:
Yeah right! A life time of self hatred and zero self esteem make it impossible for me to feel good about myself.

I am still on a roll of being comfortably OK, still ok about the party on sunday, feeling in control, hoping to stay that way. It is nice to be in a mental headspace where I feel ok and that I don't want or need to hurt myself, to punish myself.

Oh and I baked a cake and it looks ok, but lets see when it has cooled down and I remove it from the tin!!

Thank you for reading.xxxx

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Progress check since January.

Since January I have come a long way, and I thought it was about time to get it written down and "Out there" so it sinks in the my brain cell.
  • I am able to identify emotions and their warning signs most of the time before it reaches crisis. It isn't 100% because things still sneak up on me and take me by suprise (such as thursdays anger thing).
  • I can "sit" with most of the smaller emotions and ride the wave
  • I can anticipate situations that are going to cause me an issue, and try and form a coping action plan.
  • I can identify a fair amount of things that are triggers and do my best when I am strong enough to avoid them.
  • I am better at identifying what kind of people cause me issues, and deal with them accordingly.
  • I have not self harmed in over 2 weeks (unless biting nails and picking scabs counts)
  • Thanks to my friends on friday evening, and my lunch with Letia on monday, I have learned that I can put myself in social situations and not feel like a social outcast with "Nutter" tattoo'd on my forehead.
  • I can travel on public transport and walk around shopping centres as long as I have music playing very loudly in my headphones.
  • I walked Barney yesterday without being taken by the "big Bad Wolf, or the secret Black ninjas that hide in the trees.
  • Every day I take a step forward in coping with the kids better.
  • I have been sober since January 23rd (apart from a sneeky glass of wine during the easter weekend)

So since thursday evening things have been going well. I am experiencing pleasing emotions and sitting with them although I have  The Toxic waste, The alien telling me it isn't going to last, that everything is going to come crashing down around me sooner rather than later. At the moment I am choosing to ignore it.

Also it is very surprising to learn that the Psychologists and my psychiatrist speak the truth. The only thing that is going to help me get better is exposure, sitting with feelings, and doing things that make you feel uncomfortable until you are ok with it. Also Validation and emotional reasoning helps keep the nasty head talk in check. Who'd have thought it!

I do have to keep in check though, because when things run ok like this, I tend to get delusions of grandeur  and feel like I can take on the world and win and have such plans. Then the plans cause pressure, and the pressure causes me to fold and thats the end of the happiness and the beginning of the end.

Sunday we took the kids to sea world, which was a huge deal for me. 1) there were lots and lots and lots of people 2) there was lots and lots and lots of noise    3) there was lots and lots and lots of chaos and disorder. All of which don't sit well in my current state of mind.  The kids ran amok and I was in a heightened state of panic because I could not keep sight of both of them at the same time. I suppose I should have explained my requirements to Jamie beforehand, that I needed him to comply with my need to have the kids close by to keep me at ease, but I didn't until the end (and I kind of shouted it at him as I lost my temper) But. I survived. I didn't fall completely to pieces and was kind of able to enjoy bits of it. I look at it as a major step in the right direction because I coped under immense perceived pressure and threat.

This has taken me 4 days to write and I can't really remember much more of what went on. I will try and get back into daily posts for the rest of the week.

Thank you for reading, xxx

Friday, 27 May 2011

Weekends. They are supposed to be the highlight of everyones week. For me, they are living hell. I get worked up on a friday evening knowing that my week of structure, control, boxes, organisation are about to be crushed and crumbled and tossed aside.

The thing is, during the week, the kids are at kindy, and I have a basic mental plan that I follow during the week. It is only determined by my actions and everything mostly goes to plan (unless I am triggered at some point.)

The weekend is determined by the kids. what mood they are in, how they chose to behave, and if it is possible for them to cooperate long enough to get clothes on. Also depends on my mood and if my hubby is in his typical "it's a weekend, I'm bored" mood (yeah I know you don't believe it exists but it does so there).

The plan was to go and have fun at sea world, get some fish and chips and maybe monster prawns for dinner. Instead what has happened was WW3 erupted and we ended up staying at home. I am bored and unmotivated, can't do any art work as I am uninspired and CBF'd. So that is that really.
To brighten a very boring post, as I have been rearranging my craft room for the squillionth time, I found this that I had copied down whilst in hospital:

My declaration of self-esteem.
I am me.
In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. There are people who have some parts like me but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone choose it.
I own everything about me- my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all my thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they might be -- anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth and all the words that come out of it -- polite, sweet and rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud and soft; all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.
I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, and all my failures and mistakes.
Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By doing so, I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.
I know that there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for to find out more about me.
However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.
When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded.
I can see, hear, feel, think, say and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.
I own me and therefore I can engineer me. I am me and...
                                   I am ok.    By Virginia Satir.

Thursday, 26 May 2011

Anger to guilt to shame to remorse to punishment. (contains potential triggers)

I dissociated today. Not sure when and not really sure why. What I do know is was I was intensely Angry at everything, and everyone and the universe.
My dissociation was an out of body one. I could see myself behaving badly, being antisocial and generally out of character. I don't remember the second session of DBT. I took my anger out on a very lovely person who just really happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time for me and my anger. I took it out on her. It wasn't grown up behaviour, it was very much high-school style.
I could see myself and hear myself doing it, but had no control of my body. I know it sounds like a convenient excuse, but to those who have not experienced dissociation it is too hard to explain sensibly and rationally.
At the end of DBT, K asked me what she had done to upset me, and I apologised, but I was in such a state that it didn't really feel real. I got up and basically ran away like a coward. I then felt extremely guilty, and the need to punish myself and got wrapped up in thinking of how to do it. Crossing the road...not fair on the unexpected driver, then blades and burn spring up. In the shopping centre it was not possible to burn, and luckily fate was on my side/ against me because I couldn't find the thing I was looking for and therefore unable to buy blades.
By the time I had walked around the mall listening to loud music, sat down and waiting for hubby, my PRN's kicked in and I realised how stupid the whole situation was. Looking back I am glad I didn't hurt myself and instead phoned the person concerned and apologised again. (I am a person that needs to repeatedly apologise for something almost obsessively.)
Now I have extreme shame that my DBT crew, who I admire and like a lot, saw me behave like a child, and be so unnecessarily emotional. I am embarrassed, remorseful, guilty and so bloody childish.

I have no idea what has caused me to regress to a child like state, and I have little to no memory of my session with my psychologist today, so maybe something triggered me then.

Now I am at home, the anger has disappeared but the guilt and shame are still strong. I am going out tonight with a group of friends I have not seen for a long time, a couple of them since before my breakdown.
I am nervous, scared and intimidated and feel like I will be going there with the word "Complete and utter nutter" tattoo'd on my forehead and lit up with sparkly lights. My instinct is to not go and stay at home and go to sleep, but I miss there friends dearly, so I will go and enjoy the evening however much effort it takes for me to be "In the moment".

Ho hum, life goes on maybe one day this will all be in the dim and distant past.

Thanks for reading xx

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Rambling observations of the past few days.

Whenever you are feeling odd (eg flat) and spending most of your day asleep in bed, it pays to look at what is going on in your life and start putting names to things.
Up until yesterday I felt flat, and was sleeping a lot, but was confused as to why. Nothing was really going on it was just another typical weekend.

On reflection though, and some cross-examination from my psychologist I was:
Stressed due to an emotionally manipulative person repeatedly e-mailing me.
Angry and stressed that simple plans on saturday became too complicated because I can't drive long distance. 
Angry and withdrawn on sunday because the weekend (in my head) had become too chaotic and disorganised and far out of any boundaries of boxing, sectioning and organising that my mind thrives on.
Pressure because I can not say "NO" to anyone, when really I needed to.
Stressed and scared and frightened about my husband having to go to Sydney for 2 days in a couple of weeks time.
DBT itself is a major trigger, becuase it makes you look at yourself and make changes. It is very tiring.
That on top of a couple of nights of poor sleep = not very happy me + fucked up head.

So I suppose there is an answer to every mystery, it just takes looking in the right places and using the facilities provided (something I am usually very bad at)

In DBT we were kind of challenged to pick one aspect of our life that we want to improve and make small steps to improve. I have chosen believing in myself and boosting my self esteem (a nice, small easy thing to change....not)
The plan is affirmations, listening to a podcast about boosting self esteem and writing a list of strengths that I have. Will I be able to do it? I don't think so but I will try to try my hardest.

Today does not feel like a good day to start because stress levels high, coping skills low, desire to make myself a better person...god knows. If the start to today is anything to go by, I will be making a hasty retreat to my bed and hiding myself under the doona until tomorrow.

Tonight in an attempt to boost my self esteem I am going to sit down and look at the progress I have made since January and blog it.

Thank you for reading xxx

Sunday, 22 May 2011


Flatness...what emotions are associated with it? I don't really know. What I do know is it is in the same class of feelings as  empty and numb.

I just can't really feel anything but flat. It is a feeling devoid of joy or anything positive, but it is also nothing really negative either. The best I can describe it is I feel like a robot, I am on automatic and simply going through the motions.

I have been making cards and bows today, but still it is robotic, no joy, no excitement, just going through the motions. I am pleased that My friend Laura has put in the hard yards getting things started for our on-line business, but I'm frustrated I don't live closer to go and help her. Still residual feeling: flat.

Jamie has spent the weekend looking after the kids, and I feel guilty for this, because I really want to be able to enjoy time with them. The thing is I need order, I need plans, I need itineraries (thanks dad!!) and the one thing that Jamie and the kids don't do is order, plans and structure. Somehow we are going to have to find the happy medium, but I don't really know where to start.

I spent most of yesterday in bed, and had an afternoon sleep today too. My head just feels so muddled and jumbled and I am not coping well with the whole flatness thing. It is boring, it is exhausting and it is alien.


Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Just when you think you have it all sussed out.

I have a thing, a personality "quirk" for want of a better word, where I want to fix people. I want to reach out and take away their pain and suffering and make them whole again, make them happy.
There is one particular person on my mind right now, L, I wish that I could take away all her pain and suffering and leave her with a life worth living, giving her all the happiness and joy she deserves to have.  
I hope to see you again in this life, but if not I'll see you in the next.
But I know I can't,  she is the only one that can do that and I just have to live with it. I wish I could do this for my DBT group too but I can't.  I know I am not a miracle maker or an all powerful being I am just simply me.

The thing that frustrates me the most about this though is sometimes it has been taken advantage of, and I have been emotionally manipulated (and I fall for it every time). But mostly is why can I do this and feel this for other people, people that I have known for relatively short periods of time, but I just can not do it for myself.

I have no belief in myself, I don't particularly like myself, I can't understand why people like me. I am a prisoner of my mind and it is full of crap, therefore my brain says "I am not worthy of me wanting to fix me". I try, I try really hard most days and for the past 6 days I really felt like I got it, like it was all working out the right way for a change.
Then I discover my mega mindfulness sessions were not mindful, they were mindless and therefor avoidance. Now I pleaded ignorance to this avoidance. I wasn't avoiding anything, I'm just really, really mindful...but today I had to realise and admit the thing that I have been and still am avoiding is this complete inability to get outside my house. I can do it when Jamie is here, as there is no force field. But when I am home alone and I want to go for a walk I just can not do it. I fear the unknown and unidentifiable feeling of discomfort and I am going to have to work on it this week.

I also thought I had been doing a really terrific job at coping. Turns out it is OCD and I am compartmentalising and ritualising things I do obsessively.
OCD is an arse hole, just when you think you've got it all sorted out OCD pops itself up in a different form in your life. It is a nightmare.
I just can't seem to find the happy balance, in fact I don't know how else to be because things start falling apart when there is no structure, no routine, no "putting things in boxes".

Something my psychiatrist said to me today hit a nerve. We were discussing my son Cameron, who has issues sleeping and self soothing. He asked me how he gets on in kindy, and he does fine. He is happy, interactive, playful and goes to sleep. No fuss, No shenanigans no blood curdling screams of muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
At home however it is different. Bed time is a constant source of stress for me and I have a very low (to no) threshold of tolerance for the cries for mummy. I can't cope with the fight to get him into bed and then to stay in bed.
So my Psych said that there is something that I do, or a way in which I act, or whatever that makes Cameron feel needy and as soon as he steps into the house and I am there he relies on me as his soothing and sleeping mechanism.  So now I worry that I am too clingy and too needy of his love and affection or that I over do things as a warped way of making up for being a complete nutter...and as a result making him feel the need to...I don't know...maybe need me because he thinks he is helping me.

So now I see myself as a failure at CBT and DBT because I put a twist on things, I am a failure as a mum for projecting things onto my son, a failure because I can only function utilising my OCD. I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall all over again, becuase now I just can't see how to correct my errors and get me back in line.

As you can see I spend all my time in my head, trapped in my mind, thinking, thinking and over thinking every little thing. Every minute detail wondering how I could do things differently.

So in the words of Robbie williams:
I'm contemplating, thinking about thinkin'
It's overrated just get another drink in
And watch me come undone.....

Things are going ok

Another good day, that makes 6 in a row now. It is an empowering feeling, but at the same time unnerving. I am always looking over my shoulder waiting to stumble and fall back into bad habits.

One major downside to this new found happiness is that my art is suffering. I think I need to be depressed to create my works of art, but I am trying to embrace the spiritual side of my life and hopefully that will bring forward more creativity!

I found myself in the position where I was faced with someone suffering and in the mental place that I was in January. This person is hurting so much that they can't cope anymore, and have given in and given up.
The impact it had on me was quite profound, now I can truly understand what I put my husband and family through. How they knew I was unwell but did not know how far I would go into the bad stuff. If I knew then what I know now would i be able to communicate better? I'm not sure, but I know what it is like to not understand the irrational mind and the power it had over me and the power it has over my friend.
My friend is very intelligent and very wise and old enough to understand the impact of her actions and I wish I could take away her pain and suffering and "Fix" her. However, from my learnings in DBT it is something I have no control over, so I have to let it go, and what will be will be.

Now when my family nag me to write an email and keep in touch, I will do because I understand how scary and confusing this all is for them.

Right now my brain is hurting and not functioning properly and I have my funny sensory delay in my left hand. I hope I get my referrals for scans, tests and neurologists soon.

Can't think of anything else to say, so thanks for reading.

Monday, 16 May 2011

I am a Happy mummy!!

I have had another good day today, it is getting really quite unnerving having so many happy days in a row...I keep on waiting for the black hole to come and swallow me up.
In the mean time I am embracing all my happy feelings, feelings of joy, success, elation, enjoyment.

Today I had a felting lesson and got shown where I was going wrong with my pieces. Basically needed to work them for a lot longer than I was. But now I know what to look for when it is ready to do all the different stages and what it feels like at each point.

The one big thing that has put a huge big smile on my face is when my son announced to his Grandmother "I have a Happy mummy" I am going to carry that around with me all week now as my badge of honour!!

Oh and did I do the run and the dog, but after doing all the felting this morning I had a huge workout (it is hard on the arms, core muscles, butt and thighs)...there is always tomorrow!!!

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Getting out into the big wide air.

Shhhhh....Don't tell the Big Bad Wolf, the Black ninja's and all the muggers of the world....but tomorrow morning I am going to get up at 5.30, put my gym clothes on and attempt to go for a run. I have my route planned out, and my soundtrack picked the running thing...well, I am a bit unfit and have been smoking quite a bit so it might be more like a 90 year old womans effort to run, but I will be in the WIDE OPEN AIR, IT IS OPENER THERE!!

AND if that wasn't enough, I also plan to take barney for a walk. I think I have been hit on the head and had a total mind transplant. We will see how it all pans out tomorrow hey?

This weekend has mostly been a positive one, I suppose it just goes to show you take meds for a reason, and forgetting to take them does very bad things to your mind. (I will never run out again!)
I think it is the most normal I have felt in a very long time. We kind of had a plan which helped, the kids were relatively compliant (apart from when they weren't, but I suppose that is normal)
I have got out of the house for 2 days running. Today I had a lovely day catching up with my friend Mel and her family, and the kids had a whale of a time playing on the trampoline, chasing the next-door neighbours dog and generally causing chaos.

Anyway all of this has given me a taste of freedom and I think I feel strong enough to break down the force field around my house and get out into the big wide world.
Tomorrow I am also going to someone who is going to help me fix my various felting problems and show me where I am going wrong. I am really excited and looking forward to this because I really enjoy the whole felting process. It is the definitive mindful activity for me.

If I achieve my goals tomorrow, the breakthrough will be a huge one and I will finally be winning. Fingers and toes crossed peoples!

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Never type a blog on an ipad, and NEVER Believe Dr Google

so you get 2 for the price of one today. My first blog this morning was typed on an ipad, it is impossible to see where you are writing or what you are writing; and as a consequence my post came out all mumbo-jumbo and in the wrong order.

There is a possibility that I could have epilepsy. That my weird dissociative states are not dissociation, but TLE or FLE (temporal or frontal lobe epilepsy) I did a bad thing. I googled it.
Now the thing with Dr Google is that he almost always diagnoses you with a tumour of sorts or some nasty degenerative or fatal disease. Once he has planted the evil seed of those thoughts it is bloody hard to get past them.

Thankfully today I am mostly in my rational mind, thanks to a lovely morning out at the spit with my family and dog. All very mindful, stimulating all the senses and it was fun watching my fully clothed kids crawl, run and splash in the shallow water (getting absolutely soaking wet and covered in sand) . The dog went crazy running around with all the other dogs, although he is an old duffer now and doesn't quite have the stamina he once did (he has been comatose since we got home!!!)

I now understand that hospital is the wrong place for me, because I can cope better than I thought with all the urges. I understand and realise that emotions come and go, the trick is to sit with them, to deal with them and move on. If i go to hospital, I just prolong the moping and let the negative thoughts get the better of me. It is not rehabilitation it is pure and simple avoidance of reality. Who'd of thought that a Psychiatrist would know best??!!!

I would like to thank Kim and Laura for some excellent distraction for me on friday, when I had planned to stay in bed, drugged up and moping. Instead I harnessed the awesome power of OCD and cleaned myself into a better state of mind (the pizza, chocolate, coffee and company helped no end either!!)

So I think at the moment I am my own worst enemy. I have never trusted myself (let alone like myself) and have never believed I knew the stuff I know. I sit in DBT and think that it is never going to sink in, I am never going to get it, or get better. BUT now I have concrete proof I do know what I know, i don't know how many times my psychiatrist or psychologist or husband has said it to me and I have just dismissed it, but something inside me has changed and now I can believe it for myself.
I also now feel like I can leave the house, I want to get outside in the fresh air and I want to be free from my self-made ball-and-chain. I want to walk the dog, go for a run, I want to conquer the world!! (I am even thinking of doing the 7.5km walk in the Gold Coast Marathon...anyone care to join me???)
I feel FREE.

Not sure how long these feelings will last, but I am holding on to them for as long as possible!!

Friday, 13 May 2011

Finally I think I get it

I had a really bad day on Thursday. My brain hurt, it was so full of information and new found knowledge, all I wanted to do was put my self to sleep for a long time so I didn't have to feel or think. I felt like I needed to be in hospital to be safe.

However my dr had a different idea, he told my husband that it was avoidance and that I was doing so well with my DBT that I could cope at home.

I was angry, but put myself to sleep for the rest of Thursday. In retrospect most of my issues were caused by sleep deprivation.

Friday I intended to sleep all day and feel sorry for myself. Instead I went to my friend Lauras house and spent the day with her and Kim. We OCD'd Lauras house, we ate pizza and chocolate and had a really good day.I am so glad I made the very last minute decision to go because it was a good day.
I also think most of my crisis was caused by me not taking the correct amount of medication. I had run out and was only taking a small amount of what i needed. Now I have got all the right stuff I am feeling more balanced.
Today I feel like I am at the edge of being manic as I am having all these grand designs of things I could do, but I know they are not readable right now.
I am weighting this on an iPad and it is really annoying me now so I am going to sighn off, and go to the spit with my family and dog and get some much needed fresh air in the real world.
Also my DBT is sinking in and I can actually sees and understand that these crises come in waves. Had I gone to hospital it would have got worse and worse, whereas I am feeling relatively normal today and am actually craving going out inthe fresh air and get out of the house.
I now also understand that until I have seen the neurologist it is hard to see if this is all mental illness or a form of epilepsy or a combination of the 2. Until that is sorted out it is hard to know what is going on.

I am getting frustrated with the swings from high to low and am feeling like I am probably on the urge of being manic. I am having lots of grand plans and ideas that I know I can't possibly do right now.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

It is all too hard!

I feel very strange today. It is like I am walking the fine line between sanity and madness. Ihave my down days, my very dark and twisty days, my ok days and my borderline manic days.

Yesterday was a very dark and twisty day, but today with a mammoth amount of effort on my part today has been an ok day.
It has taken every ounce of energy to distract myself. I distracted myself with TV and a movie, eating junk, drinking copious amounts of coffee and doing my art. It is amazing just how much energy it takes. But I suppose I did it and I am still here so that is all good.

My head is starting to cave in with the complexity of my illness and all it's different facets, and fighting the good fight becomes almost mission impossible. I am finding it impossible to sleep properly, and even with medication, my usual fall back plan, I am unable to sleep thanks to flashbacks and really surreal dreams (some of which feel like real life and it is often hard to distinguish what is reality and what was just a dream.

I am just not coping with the swings of extreme anguish and depression, to mania and normality (or my weird interpretation of normal.)
the good thing about it is I am creating some really good art work, and people have expressed kinterest in buying it which has to be good, but apart from that I don't see I am making anymore progress.
I still can't get myself out of the house, it is like there is a force field surrounding it and it blocks me from going out of the front door or even going out into the back garden to hang out washing. I hate this and it frustrates me because there is no rational reason for me to not go out side.

Today I think I had a fit. I blacked out, only very briefly but then it felt like my eyes were rolling and dancing and evything was flashing. It was like someone rapidly switching a light on and off. Once it was over, I had a headache. I can't wait to get it checked out to See if it is dissociation or fits.

I don't know how much longer I can maintain this effort involved in being in control, and I'm not even sure now if I am doing the distraction thing correctly or if I am simply just avoiding and wearing my mask of "I'm ok".

Some days I just long for the olden days when everything was managed by drinking a bottle of wine or 10.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

waste of time.

Sometimes I wonder what the point to all of this is. Today I just want to put my hand up in the air, wave the white flag and say enough is enough. I kind of feel like my mouth is saying words, but no-one is really listening. I feel like maybe I am just a drama queen, I feel like whatever I do or say it will always be unheard, mis-interpreted and misunderstood. I want to grab someone by the neck and shout my issues at them until they get it, but it wont make a difference because I think my words are all wrong and that maybe I am just an unintentional attention seeker? I don't know anymore. Maybe I should just shut up.

I have a few things going on in my head right now. One flashback that has side-swiped me and left me feeling slightly unnerved about how not crazy it is sending me. It is affecting me though, I am having frequent panic attacks and feel like my legs are made of jelly, and my head is doing funny things.

Since my crisis about the kids and their sleep issue, when my mind can't cope with anything else, I am getting random images flashing through my mind (a bit like someone changing channels with a remote, but ultra fast) and my head feels like a strobe.

I am not feeling good, I am running on empty. I am worried about how I am going to get through the next day and a bit, because the strength to cope, Be mindful and apply my DBT/CBT skills has run out and I just feel like banging my head against a brick wall over and over again.

I am a danger to myself, and I am not safe unless Jamie is here. But for the sake of my family and friends I will find what I can to fight to keep myself safe.
It is just too bloody hard today and I am over it.
I am fine if I am mentally occupied with something that makes me focus my whole attention on it, or when listening to music so loud it perforates your eardrums, or when stuck in a traffic jam with my husband having conversations on the logistics of someone pleasuring themselves whilst driving stuck in a traffic jam (not me or him, but random drivers!!) in fact if I could just be driven around in a car all day and all night I could guarantee my safety.

That is it for today, I just feel "Meh"

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Left in a Lurch.

From: "Oh the places you will go" by Dr Zeuss.

I'm sorry to say so,
but sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups 
and Hang-ups 
CAN happen to you.
You can get all hung up
in a prickly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are then,
that you'll be in a slump.
And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

I am stuck in a Slump and I have no idea how to get out of it. It is like a broken record playing and re-playing the same song over and over again. It is a song that completely breaks my heart and something I have lost all control over.
Every evening it is the same. The tears, the crying, the tantrums. The fighting, hitting, spitting and demands for me. Asking, begging me to give them something I just don't have the power to give them right now. 
If I give in to the demands, I end up in bed at 7 and make the cycle harder and harder to break.  I wonder how I ever made it get to this point, how is it that I have never been able to help my son settle himself or go to sleep. Every time it comes to bedtime me heart breaks just a little bit more. Right now it feels like there is nothing left to break. 
Is it all my fault for trying so hard to do the right thing when he was a baby. My failure to recognise I had PND? have I just made it 100 times worse for being admitted to a psychiatric hospital not once, but twice. 
I know my kids pick up on my emotions and that it affects them so deeply, I try not to show them how I am feeling, but it just makes it worse. I am an unfit mum. I am a failure.

The pressure this has all put on my marriage is huge. We argue over every little thing at the moment because the house is just a boiling point of anger and frustration. Jamie is amazing and wonderful and I love him, but whenever we are together it is so stressful it is impossible to relax and be comfortable in each others company. Or either he or me falls asleep trying to calm Cameron down, that we barely see each other throughout the day. If and when the battle is won, we are both so exhausted from it all there is  just nothing left to say or do.

I am fighting this beast, this toxicity inside me to try and make everything alright again, I did CBT I am doing DBT, I see my psychiatrist, I tend to avoid my one-on-one sessions with my DBT therapist because I don't want to hear how crap I am or how much of a failure I am.  

How the hell do I get out of this fucking great big mess I have created? How do I fix it? How can I change it? Can somebody come forward and tell me, because right now I don't know what is right, what is wrong, what is up or what is down?

As Madonna says in one of her songs:
"why do all the things I say, sound like the stupid things I have said before?"

The biggest problem I have with my mental illness is the extremes of high to low and how frequently the change is from good to bad.
Somebody somewhere please help me, because I feel like I am drowning.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Negative to positive...maybe physics doesn't suck as much as I thought!

Today I had one foot in the black hole, waiting and wanting it to swallow me whole.

I was triggered, after being in a triggered state already. Someone unknowingly described so  beautifully something to me. It was like offering me a glass of wine and a box of chocolates. It gave me the taste, the need, the want.
It came on so strongly and so quickly it took me by surprise. I wanted it soooooo badly that I just had to run and try to get the feeling.
I was lucky that I went to a place where 2 very good friends were there to bring me down, to ground me and help me. To stop me from acting on my urge. They kept me safe, and I thank them dearly for it. Thank them for the hugs, the hand holding, the mindless conversations.

Thank you to Heidi for a well timed lovely text message too, which made me feel important and human.

They pointed out to me that I have come a very long way since January, as previously I would have acted without a thought, ending up in a mess on the floor where I used to think I belonged.
Without really knowing it I identified my urge before it became a need and therefore in of my control. I stopped. I stop-think-goed without realising it. I have made such a huge progress and I deserve to feel proud about it, I kind of want to jump up and down and shout it from the roof.

I have Jamie at home with me making sure I stay safe, I have a huge supply of chocolate which always makes me feel better after a panic attack. I am watching Peep show which is so bloody hilarious, doesn't seem to matter how many times you watch it.

To the person that unknowingly triggered me, I would like to thank you and give you a huge hug, because you have made me realise just how far I have come.

Once again I am out of the black hole and heading back to my milky way.

Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Positive always attracts negatives. Physics sucks.

I was having such a good day today. I finished a couple more pieces of art and felt pretty damned chuffed with myself.
I took the dog for a walk. There was no big bad wolf, no black ninja's hiding in the woods ready to leap out and attack me, no ghosts, ghouls or bogeymen. Just me, my dog and a few hundred lorakeets or whatever they are called. Yay more positives, this DBT really is the good shit I can see a very small pin prick of light down the end of the very long tunnel.
I was feeling Happy and Joy, I was Proud, I was Elated.


I discover I am very scared of talking to my old friends, I find it hard to find common ground and I feel like I have got "Nutter" tattoo'd on my forehead. I hear words coming out of my mouth but they don't sound right, I feel like I am talking gibberish and I can not relax. In my mind I see them sitting in judgement on me and I hear them think "oh my god, she is so mad, crazy and effed up in the head" then I go into a whirlwind of panic.
This is the beginning of the withdrawal stage once more. Keep my self safe by being on my own.

And Then....

I ended up putting myself back at high school/ university/ any other miscellaneous real life places yesterday. I knew as soon as I started speaking it was wrong, that i was talking out of turn. It wasn't my business and in the little decision box they teach us in DBT it was not important to me, and it was out of my control. DBT says....let it go. Oh how I wish I had remembered that. But it is too late, and words can not be retracted and I feel like shit.
There is a part of me that has always been there. I want to fix people, make people happy/ better/ take away their suffering. I put an enormous amount of effort into it but I really don't think I have ever miraculously fixed anyone.
In being like this I suffer quite frequently with 'foot in mouth' disease, fail to engage brain before speaking and then pour out words with verbal diahorroea. My head screams out "stop" but I can't until "mission save the world" is complete.
I know as soon as I have done it I shouldn't have,  that it is not my battle to fight, or my war to win but I entangle myself regardless.

So this situation which has happened a few times recently, I regress into a headmucked teenager (that's incase my parents are reading!!) and it puts me right slam bang into punishment mode and i punish myself. I feel like banging my head repeatedly against my craft table in the hope I will bang all of this out but it is never going to happen. Pain is the only answer.

And so for the rest of the day and the week I will have my toxic waste telling me that I am an interfering so and so, I have no right to voice my opinion, I only end up hurting the people more than I help them.

I am hanging on for dear life to my avoidance and mindfulness right now so I don't lose control completely. Life would be so much easier right now if I could down 10 bottles of wine and erase the thoughts, vomit them down the toilet, numb them out of my head.

Why am I such a fuck up?

Feeling kinda good right now!

On thursday I will have completed my first module in DBT. The past 6 weeks have been challenging, triggery and overwhelming.

At the beginning of the module (Emotional reasoning) I had no concept of it, I had mastered the art of pushing my emotions down and away before I had a chance to do anything with them. Emotions were scary and numbness easier to live with than the harsh reality that is feeling.

The first few handouts I got I had written things like "my brain won't let me feel happiness", "I will never be able to sit with my emotions because I will never get in touch with them" "Validating feelings and emotions is mission impossible".

At the beginning I was numb and empty (still empty) and instead of sitting with my emotions and accepting them for what they were, they would turn into anger and punishment which I turned in towards myself and would take appropriate action against myself.

Now I am able to identify quite a few things, I can manage my anger a bit better, and I have even welcomed the emotions "JOY and HAPPINESS" into my life. It is a shock to the system to realise this and my brain still fights it, but the seeds have been planted and fertilised and will hopefully grow and squash out all the bad stuff.

The only thing that is bugging me right now is my UFO. My unidentifiable feeling that is following me around like a bad smell. I don't know what it is and can not identify or label it. I just know it is bad.
I have been dissociating a lot too, which for those that don't know is kind of like a very complicated and hard to explain  out-of-body experience.
I just hope it isn't my body fighting all that i have achieved, and I hope it isn't something disturbing from my past waiting for the right time to leap out and slap me in the face.

Anyway, in summary I have an enormous sense of well-being and achievement and it is amazing how different a person I am from the beginning of the year. I like to thank my DBT group for helping me get there, and all my friends for supporting me....I still have a looooong way to go though, but hopefully it is onwards and upwards from here!

Sunday, 1 May 2011

If you could live your life again, would you do it all the same?

As the title says: If you could live your life again, would you do it all the same...or would you do it differently?

I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had had the courage to do what I wanted to do, and be who I wanted to be, but I was one of those people that did as was expected of them and I never gave myself the opportunity to be who I wanted to be.
Now this is not a dig at my family (just incase you are wondering) it is something a song lead me to think.

If you could go back in time to a point where you made a particular life choice that ended up in wrongsville, would you take the other path and hope that going in the other direction would lead to happiness and joy, instead of crazy mental illness.

I wonder what life would have been like if I had chosen not to go to my friend Katie's wedding. I would not have met Jamie and I certainly would not end up with my bundles of Joy and mayhem Cameron and Amelia. And the noise and craziness that is Jamie.

I wonder what life would have been like if I had had children 10 years earlier, If I chose to stay in England. Where would my career have taken me? it would have been a very different path from the one it took. What if I went to a different university? well, I wouldn't have been bullied the way I was.

I wish that when I was younger that me and my sister got on as well as we do now instead of hating each other. I wish I had not chosen some of the partners I did, and wished I had taken other opportunities with other people.

I wonder if I had made different choices along the way where I ended up making mistakes, if I could jump back in time just before going down the wrong path and stop myself, would I have ended up with a mental illness.

I am glad I moved to Australia and had children when I did, because in that time I have made a very interesting and diverse collection of friends, friends that actually  care for me and my well being. I am also glad in a weird way that I ended up in Belmont because I have met an even more diverse and different group of friends that understand what life is like, but accept me as a friend regardless.

This is a bit of a pointless blog really, because I can't even answer my own question...I am just in a very philosophical headspace.

I would also like to thank Laura for the wonderfully motivating and uplifting post she wrote just for me and another friend, I needed that today and you are wonderful xxxxx

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Take the pills to numb the pain.

I am about to go to bed, and floating around my head is the line "Life's too short to be afraid, Take the pills to numb the pain, you don't have to take the blame"

I reach into my medicine locker and pull out the 6 tablets I have to take to enable me to sleep. When I wake it is 5, during the day it can be 4 or 5 more depending on the day.

They help, yes. But is it the answer? is this my life for ever...pills to keep me happy, pills to keep me balanced, pills to make me numb, pills to help me sleep. Pills to do every basic fundamental part of living. I realise life is too short to be afraid, but I am. Every waking moment of my life right now. I stand on the edge of a cliff too scared to look down because what is down there is the "Unknown" the cause of my pain and torture and mental anguish. Will I ever be strong enough to look down into the void and actually face my daemons?

And I do have to take the blame. I made myself this way for not dealing with whatever is down there, no-one else did it for me it was all of my doing. But really can't someone please step forward and tell me WTF made me this way because right now I'll be damned if I know.

I am going to be in therapy for a long time, I will be stripped piece by piece until I have no choice but to look down and face it for what it really is. So CBT, DBT, TDU, possible epilepsy.

I may act strong, but right now I am a tiny little girl sitting cowered in the corner too scared to even say "boo" to a mouse.

Will I ever, ever be "Me"? have I ever actually allowed myself to be me? Will I ever be sane, or will I always be that woman who had kids then couldn't cope and went a little bit loopy (well a lot loopy actually, but that is by the by)

Have I ever been in control of my life? have I ever actually done something that I really wanted to do for myself (other than have my beautiful children)
I feel that my life right now is one HUGE paranoid delusion and I am pushing everyone away, and I really don't want to, but I am scared of the judgement that probably only exists in my head.

So, I sit here with the 6 pills in my hand, my miracle cure, my sanity fixer...when really all they do is numb the pain, which contradicts the therapy that tells us to sit with the pain and accept it for what it is.

I am too scared of the implications of not taking them, so I will drink them down with a glass of water and be a good little girl and do as I am told.

One day I hope I get to meet the real me.

I'll end with Robbies song "Strong" my anthem for bedtime.


My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me Dad
I've started to dress a bit like him

Early morning when I wake up
I look like Kiss but without the make up
And that's a good line to take it to
The bridge

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies
Of easy lays
The pause button's broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don't need to know

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

If I did it all again I'd be a nun
The rain was never cold when I was young
I'm still young we're still young
Life's too short to be afraid
Step inside the sun

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame