Sunday, 31 July 2011

Epilepsy and its impact on my so called life.

It has been just under a month since I have blogged. I have been in a very scary, very dark place thoughts too unsafe to share in a blog, words to dangerous to even write down on paper.

However, look at me for the most part of that month and you would not realise that ticking away in my little brain hiding behind the well placed, well used well rehearsed mask were some pretty dark self-destruct ideations and notions. But those are not to share, those are to stay locked away in the nice little containment area I created for them.

I am sitting here with the flu, hacking my guts up and struggling to breathe. I know I need to go to a doctors and get some antibiotics, but I don't want to go to the new one here and have to go through my now very complicated past and my weird and freaky allergic reaction which may or may not have been due to antibiotics. So I will have to try and coordinate a visit to my normal GP between their availability and Jamies.

I have also had a freaky side effect to the anti epileptics. I was slightly aware of it when I was on the smaller dose, but blamed it on Jamie and his disco legs. My muscles shaking very gently, but shaking all the same. When I went up to the next dose, I could feel it all the time and could barely walk, it felt like I had just gone and done a hard-core workout and all my muscles hurt (walkin' like a cowboy!). so I am being withdrawn from the current stuff, and will be restarted on some new stuff on the 12th August. My 3 months of no driving does not even BEGIN until the epilepsy is under control :o( so I have to hope my body handles the next drug better than the first.

I think I have just got to the point where I am so tired of it all. I had just got to a point where I was going to be picking up the kids from kindy early and spending more time with them and that has been taken away from me.
I was feeling ready to be more social and get out and about with my old friends and I feel like that has gone too.
I feel like I am under house arrest and I feel like a child and I can not move away from those feelings. I am trapped in a really messy house and I CBF'd to do anything about it because none else gives a damn, and I am starting to lose my art mojo...if that goes....I will be broken.

Robbie has been done before but it is how I is feelin today so here we go again!!

So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinkin' about thinkin'
It's overrated, just get another drink and

Watch me come undone

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Pity party.

Welcome to my Pity Party, Everybody is welcome. There are chips and dips, chocololate and lemonade, jelly cups and party pies.
I also have streamers, party hats and a piniata.

Prize goes to the person who comes up with the best self-depreciating statement.

You will obviously all go home with party packs.

That is all.

(ps. L...could not link my video no matter how hard i tried)

Monday, 4 July 2011

Riding the emotion roller coaster

What did I do today? I mostly slept.
What do I do most days? sleep and watch mind rotting TV.
Am I likely to be going anywhere this afternoon/ on wednesday/ friday?....ooops, of course you wont.
The highlight of my week? getting out of the boundaries of the 4 walls that is my house to go to a bloody psychiatric hospital.

I breathe in and out, exchanging carbon dioxide for oxygen.
I have a pulse, it proves that my blood is circulating around my body.
My heart is beating, I am alive.
My brain is thinking, more evidence I am alive.
My nerves are sending impulses to my fingers and toes, making them tingle, so I am not completely numb.

I have little purpose, I feel once more like I am going through the motions, only this time a little bit more pathetic than before because now I am so completely dependant on my husband for getting around. I feel caged, I ask myself what is the point of staying here? What is the point with carrying on with the DBT

Then there's the pills. Sitting in a metal safe (unlocked). 5 different pills. Antidepressants, mood stabilisers, anti anxiety pills, epilepsy medication, special night time antidepressants. I am really starting to resent that little metal box. It is a chore going there 3 times a day to get my pills that rattle around inside me. It is such a bloody effort and I really hate it. It is such a silly feeling to hate and resent a box full of things that are helping you; but I do and it is building to the point where I want to get a bloody great sledge hammer and pulverize the metal box (pills included) until it is a warped, twisted tiny ball of nothingness.
THEN I will get in the car, drive to the nearest bottle-o get shit loads of alcohol and go wild and crazy on the streets of Coomera (or maybe I should drive to Surfers and go wild and go crazy, it would have more street cred)

I feel such a huge disconnect with the real world right now, it is impossible for me to see myself ever fitting back into it. I feel that every effort I am making to make some money is just a joke and a waste of time, money and effort. I am an emotional, financial and whatever else sponge and it is my poor husband that takes the weight.