It has been just under a month since I have blogged. I have been in a very scary, very dark place thoughts too unsafe to share in a blog, words to dangerous to even write down on paper.
However, look at me for the most part of that month and you would not realise that ticking away in my little brain hiding behind the well placed, well used well rehearsed mask were some pretty dark self-destruct ideations and notions. But those are not to share, those are to stay locked away in the nice little containment area I created for them.
I am sitting here with the flu, hacking my guts up and struggling to breathe. I know I need to go to a doctors and get some antibiotics, but I don't want to go to the new one here and have to go through my now very complicated past and my weird and freaky allergic reaction which may or may not have been due to antibiotics. So I will have to try and coordinate a visit to my normal GP between their availability and Jamies.
I have also had a freaky side effect to the anti epileptics. I was slightly aware of it when I was on the smaller dose, but blamed it on Jamie and his disco legs. My muscles shaking very gently, but shaking all the same. When I went up to the next dose, I could feel it all the time and could barely walk, it felt like I had just gone and done a hard-core workout and all my muscles hurt (walkin' like a cowboy!). so I am being withdrawn from the current stuff, and will be restarted on some new stuff on the 12th August. My 3 months of no driving does not even BEGIN until the epilepsy is under control :o( so I have to hope my body handles the next drug better than the first.
I think I have just got to the point where I am so tired of it all. I had just got to a point where I was going to be picking up the kids from kindy early and spending more time with them and that has been taken away from me.
I was feeling ready to be more social and get out and about with my old friends and I feel like that has gone too.
I feel like I am under house arrest and I feel like a child and I can not move away from those feelings. I am trapped in a really messy house and I CBF'd to do anything about it because none else gives a damn, and I am starting to lose my art mojo...if that goes....I will be broken.
Robbie has been done before but it is how I is feelin today so here we go again!!
So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinkin' about thinkin'
It's overrated, just get another drink and
Watch me come undone