Thursday, 30 June 2011

F off FOF


I think I have experienced my first out-and out judgement on me and my mental illness. By a basic stranger (friend of a friend), but someone i've never been anything other than nice to. It feels strange because I do project judgement onto myself, but when you know it is real and there in flesh and blood it makes me ANGRY.
I am only a risk to myself. I am a mother of 2 children and am sensible enough to know that if I become a danger to anyone other than myself I will phone up my doctor and get sent to hospital. I go to Belmont rather than Currumbin because my husband works in Brisbane and is therefore a more convenient choice for us. No other sinister reason than that.

 I would never be around anyone when I am feeling unsafe, apart from people who know and I trust and people I know understand. I would not do anything to anyone else, especially not anyone else's child.

I would also not be around other children if I thought I was a threat to anyone else than myself and I have DRs, psychologists and so on all telling me the only person I am a menace to is myself. And I am also only a menace to my ownself on my own property/ hospital.

If you happen to be said friend of friend, then feel free to get my phone number and call and we can have a conversation about this because most of the time I am good, this blog is about me setting free emotions that would otherwise build up and make me not safe. You have made me feel angry by not directly asking friend the questions you so desperately want to ask.

Now on to my actual topic of blogging.
This epilepsy business.
I hate it.
Can someone direct me to the point in my life where I took the wrong path made the wrong decisions to do the wrong things. To try so hard to be the person I was not supposed to be. Show me where I should have gone and who I should have been to avoid all this messed up shit that goes on in my head.

Is it because I have tried so hard all my life to fit in with people I had no right fitting in with? is it because I was always a try hard? is it because I didn't make a stand when people bullied my friends, or that I could not fight back when I was being bullied. Was I trying too hard to be someone I wasn't, was it I wasn't trying hard enough to be what I was?

Whatever it is, whatever it was I have made it on to someones shit list, and I am now a slave to 7 different medications which make me feel like the living dead, a huge burden on my husband who has to carry the weight of my illness on his shoulders and now also has to be my transport, my financial support my cheer leader. He is my donkey my "irritating talking beast of burden" to quote shrek!!

I am doing everything possible to make myself come good, to make myself a better person, and then just when I  think everything's going so well, I get kicked down to the ground and I have to pick myself up again. Well this time it is not so easy and I  feel like I am clawing my way across the floor.
I feel like I am a let down to my family for being so honest
I feel like I am a let down to my family for being so far away
I feel like I am a let down for not being a functional wife
I feel like I am a let down for not being a functional mum
I feel like a let down for not being a functional person
I feel like a let down for being a slave to pills
I feel like a let down for letting a stranger make me feel so bloody angry
I feel like a let down for letting this stranger question every last thing about me
I feel Angry about leting this stranger question whether I should even continue to blog
I feel angry, numb, empty, failed, malfunctioned, stupid.

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Epilepsy and applying DBT skills.

So I have epilepsy. No ideas as to how or why I have it, it is just there in my brain doing its thing whenever it feels like it. The solution is more medication on top of all the psychiatric drugs I will hear me rattle long before you see me!!!
Oh and I can't drive. At all. But as my husband (who has swallowed my DBT manual) stated: one of my goals is to lose weight and get fit. If I want to go anywhere it will now be by push-bike which will aid me in my weight loss and my need to do some exercise, so there is some slightly warped good coming out of something. I'm not really relishing the prospect of cycling all the way down the road which is really uppy-downy but am looking forward to the enormous sense of achievement and hot bath after it is done.

I refuse to become a home-bound crazy lady and I will use this as much as I can to my benefit. I will have to make sure I remember this on days when everything seems so hard.

I have also demonstrated to myself how well I am doing in DBT because I can accept it for what it is, without any judgement and sit with it. I have also used my "decision box" and can see and accept that although it is important to me, it is out of my control, and there is no point in wasting time and energy worrying over it...I'll just make another scarf or 10 instead!!

It also isn't the miracle answer for why I went crazy in the first place, but that would be too much to expect/ wish for. I am a medical curiosity with my many quirks, but have a good team of doctors and psychologists looking after me and have faith that they will help me through this to recovery.

Oh and one last good thing about the epilepsy medication is that it suppresses the appetite, and therefore counteracts the seroquel munchies that are responsible for a shocking weight gain!!

Enough waffling, thanks for reading xxxx

Sunday, 26 June 2011

dissociation and amnesia.

This morning I am experiencing short term memory loss. It is frightening. I honestly can not remember basic things that I should know. Things like where I have put things, or putting things in completely the wrong place, have I taken my medication? and the list goes on...I find myself in a room going round in circles trying to remember what I was looking for or why I even came into that particular room. I hate my Brain.

Tomorrow I finally get to see my neurologist to find out what is causing the abnormal brain activity in my right frontal lobe, I hope I get some kind of answer and not just another long list of tests I have to have. At least I know it is not a brain tumour as I had an MRI a few weeks ago.

My arm is starting to hurt, which means my burns are getting infected so I am going to have to clean them out and dress them and start the healing process. I really wish I could give up smoking to remove that option as a method of self-punishment, however I can't it is my one "crutch" that helps me get through the day. And I do believe that my brain would devise another evil form of self punishment if that  one was removed.

I feel partially dissociated most of the time. It is an odd feeling, it is kind of like in star trek when they get beamed up. As they are being beamed up they are all pixellated, and that is how it feels. That and spending hours of the day staring into space and not being in the present.

Oh the joys of being a mentalist.

Thanks for reading my rather uninspired post xx

Friday, 24 June 2011

Building self esteem.

Had an absolutely shit evening on wednesday, which followed into thursday thanks to DBT. A new topic always seems to generate new things from the dark and twisty vaults of hell that is my brain.
My brain/ body's way of coping with this is to take the easy path and that is to use all my bad habits to avoid the hidden thing, instead of working hard and doing the right stuff.
So I OCD'd and I did some other bad stuff, but rather than dwell on the black, bleak nasty stuff I have made the decision to put in the hard yards and really start concentrating on applying my DBT skills at all times.
We are doing interpersonal skills/ relationships. I am finding it hard, and it turns out you actually have to like yourself if you want to have functioning grown up relationships with people. We had to choose one of the 11 basic human rights to work on this week. I chose 2: The right to be treated with respect (which is me learning to treat myself with respect) and 11: the right to feel good about yourself.

It occurred to me that the more I harm myself, the worse I am going to look, the less I am going to like myself. It will get harder and harder to explain the scars away to my children. I will in the future get tattoos to cover them but it needs to stop, so I need to get off my fat arse and work.

I am using an Angel book my good friend lent me for affirmations/ angels to help me through the day. I am also looking after myself by not self-harming with food. I am watching what I eat and trying to make the right choices.

My angel advice for the day is "Forgive yourself" it says..."I am much too hard on myself...I believe that perfection is a requirement of being valued, yet you're entirely loveable as you stumble, learn, grow and move on. That is why the most important acts of forgiveness are the ones  i direct inwards. when I learn to lovingly embrace every part of myself, the spark within me beams as brightly as a searchlight, healing and attracting others who benefit from my warmth and wisdom..." (Doreen Virtue)

Let me see if I can make it through the whole week liking myself...

Thanks for reading xx

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

I refuse to censor myself.

This is my blog, my personal diary of my journey through the ups and downs of my mental illness.
I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) PND (post natal depression) PTSD (post traumatic distress) GAD (generalised Anxiety disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder and depression. Long standing depression.

What I write in this blog is a true reflection of what is happening in my life and the impact it has on me and my family. Sometimes the things I write are horrible. I talk about things that many can not comprehend. Like how did I get to the point where I wanted to end everything, where my brain started telling me I needed to physically punish myself and do horrific things to myself, and how can I be blessed with such an amazing family, yet feel so numb and so empty a lot of the time.

I am doing DBT which is a course that is helping me learn and understand the whys and the wherefores and there are lots of aspects about my mental health that even i don't understand. Until the point it all makes sense I am going to keep doing this blog and continue to be as frank and honest as I have been preciously. I refuse to censor myself because I need this outlet. Writing a personal journal does not work because I don't write it, but blogging is like writing it on a page and setting it on fire. Once the words are written and the publish post button pushed it has gone and it is a weight off my mind.
I will put "trigger" in the title if it is a bad one, but basically if you don't want to read about what I am going through, then simply don't read. If you are interested, then by all means continue and I am never afraid to answer any questions you may have on the various aspects of my illness.

I am back to numbness due to a change in subject in DBT and it is taking all my energy and effort not to do the things my brain is telling me to do. I have to thank my friend Laura for having me over night and for letting me OCD her living area as a form of avoidance from the dark and evil things my brain wants me to do to myself.

I have a lot to work on this week, and it is going to be hard and take all my energy to stay on the straight and narrow. But I refuse to give in to my toxic waste, my alien so I am going to fight.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Ups and Downs

I woke up yesterday feeling bad, so bad all I could think about were the dark and twisty things I wanted to do to myself. There was no obvious trigger for this, although I had slept very poorly thanks to my hubby who left me sleeping on the floor in Ronny's room.

Friday is a day where me and a couple of friends get together and do crafty things which usually involves us sitting at a table buried under paper, wool, scissors, and miscellaneous pretty things whilst eating chocolate, cheese balls and talking. No expectations on how we are supposed to act, we can just simply be.
I was feeling so bad that I wanted to not go to craft friday and had a plan of doing lots of dark and twisty things to myself. I knew what I was going to do and I craved it, but I had let my friend down once this week already, I felt I couldn't do it again so along I went feeling all fucked up.
By the time I got there I was feeling really bad, but after a chat over coffee and a nicotine fix my friend took me to all these amazing craft shops selling handmade items. I was in awe, I was in love, I was in creative overload.
One shop I went into, the shop owner fell in love with my scarf and asked if I was interested in making them and selling them in her shop. I said yes and am now a commissioned artist for this store making scarves, blankets and tea-cosies!! all hand knitted and crochet-ed. I am excited. Who would have thought that the concept of knitting and crocheting tea cosies would be enough to stop all thoughts of self-harm and doom and gloom!

Today has been a bit down, don't really know why. I have been very sleepy and have had a lot of sleep time today. It has been a struggle, but I don't know why but I do seem to have got through it.

We  (my crafty friend and I) are in the early stages of setting up an online store to sell our arty goods too, my sometimes lovely husband has done all the IT stuff to make it possible and now we are doing all the frilly bits to make it look like somewhere you'd like to buy stuff from. I am going to start a craft blog in the coming weeks too.

Thanks for reading. xxxxx

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

OCD how I hate thee.

Whenever I gain control over one aspect in my life, and start to feel happy and everything is going so well, OCD rears its ugly head and I find myself having to fight the toxic waste all over again.
This is the thing with OCD, my former psychologist explained it as one of those fairground attractions where you have to hit the things on the head, when you think they have all gone one pops up in another area. So where I am now feeling quite balanced and on the right path with my recovery OCD rears its ugly head once more.

OCD is not just about hand washing, and counting and repetitive behaviour, it is rituals and structure and doing things because you believe that the day will crumble if you don't do things in a particular way.
I have challenged my cleaning OCD today. I had to ignore the chaos that is our house and just do my normal things blind to the mess.

It was kind of easy to begin with because I have had a sore back, but as the day progressed I found myself being more and more anxious which resulted in me spending a lot of time in bed.

Today I have also had a lot of my funny head thing happening, alongside my funny hand thing. I get slightly distressed about the hand thing because it is my left hand and I am a leftie, and therefore interferes with most of the things I enjoy and use as "Mindfulness"...oh well, only another 2 weeks before I see the neurologist.

Thats all for today, thanks for reading xx

Monday, 13 June 2011

Everything's going so well,

Oops, so it has been nearly a week since my update. Need to sort that one out!!

So I survived looking after the children,  I would like to thank all my friends for offering help and for being there as emergency back up. Thankfully I did not need to utilise them and had a really great time bonding with my children.
I found friday a bit harder than thursday but only becuase the kids were excited about seeing Daddy, but he didn't get home until very late (even though he said he'd be early)  so they were upset that they couldn't see him and would not go to sleep.

During the day I had my friends over for "Craft day" where we do what ever we feel like, and feel safe to be ourselves what ever mood we are in, and there is no pressure to talk we can simply sit comfortably in each others company.

The weekend was kind of a typical weekend, with chaos, disorder and shouting and I didn't cope very well on saturday.
Sunday I went to the craft and textiles expo, which was a big effort for me, it was crowded, it was noisy and I had to get there by public transport.
Going on the train was really relaxing, I listened to music and enjoyed the motion and feeling of being on a train. Being at the expo was stressful due to the number of people and the noise...but the benefit of looking at amazing craft/ art work far outweighed the negatives of being in an uncomfortable situation.

Today I had friends over this morning, it feels good to finally be back in the social loop and not feel strange, different or an outcast. I actually feel like I am part of the human race again.

I am enjoying my art and craft, and currently knitting a can-can scarf...I will post pictures when it is finished, but it is colourful, ruffly and therapeutic to get the old knitting needles out again.

Thanks for reading,

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Me and My dodgy brain.

So it turns out there is something showing up in the right frontal lobe of my brain, but no evidence of epilepsy. I now have the joyous task of waiting until the 28th June until I see the neurologist to find out what exactly it all means.
Now applying my DBT skills I use my worry decision boxes. This is something that is important to me, but that I have no control over. I have to "sit on it" and leave it in the hands of those who know. Can I do it....lets see.

Today has been another ok day. Cold, and therefore unmotivated to move from my nice warm cocoon so am rotting my brain watching Jersey Shore (can't be doing my unusual thing any good!) Tonight is going to be my first night with the kids alone since I had my breakdown. I am actually feeling quite relaxed about it. I am going to pick them up early from kindy so they can bounce every last bit of energy out on the trampoline, then have dinner, bath and bed.

I was planning on working on my big mandala today, but I just don't know where to start. I know what I  want it to look like but I'm too scared to stick the first ball on it incase I ruin it!!

I had an amazing morning chatting to someone who is only recently new in my life and a new member of our family. It constantly surprises me when I get support from people I least expect, it reaffirms that honesty about my condition is the best way for me to move forward.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, it is craft day and a few dear friends come over, we eat lots of chocolate and make pretty things. We will be felting tomorrow so i am hopefully finally going to finish my bowl-of-doom so I can cut it off the football and start decorating it.

Thats about it for today, Ill let you know how it goes with the kids tomorrow.

Thans for reading xxx

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

From Empowered to slightly numb in 1 week.

I have had a very empowering week. I feel that to some degree I was living a normal life.  I have socialised fairly frequently which is something that I lost when I had my breakdown. It was nice to get in touch with my old friends and realise they were still there for me, still my friends with no judgments made.

It was my daughters 2nd birthday last week (thursday) and I planned "A small, simple gathering" to celebrate her turning 2. My small simple gathering was about 30 adults and 30 kids!!! I always seem to do this and usually it would cause me to collapse, but I think I held it together really well and enjoyed being in the presence of all the people that mean something to me. I tried to make sure I spoke to everyone, but I think I failed that one quite miserably but just the amount of joy, happiness and laughs coming from the party was so healing for me. I thank everyone that came to Amelia's party for making it a happy, joyous time and thanks for all the amazing presents.

Monday I had my repeat EEG, and that got me wound up in the wonderful "Worry cycle" because I think i put words and meaning in my head from things the technician said to me. But as I have learned in DBT: although it is important to me, it is out of my control, therefore I wont try to think about it until the results are given to me. My worrying is not going to change those results.

Tuesday I was feeling a bit shaky and a bit off centre, but I think most of that was worrying about things out of my control!! In fact when I woke up, the thought of going to DBT horrified me so much I wasn't going to go. But that = avoidance and I don't benefit from not going, in fact I would have missed what turned out to be a very helpful session for me. Also I really like my DBT crew and would have missed seeing them and talking to them (and I will apologise once more for the coffee table incident with the nightmare person from hell!!)
in the afternoon after aimlessly wondering around the Carindale centre for ages window shopping, I started to feel hyper sensitive, and by the time my husband got to pick me up (4:15 instead of 3) I was feeling over stimulated (not as kinky as it sounds sadly!) my body just could not handle any more noise,  feeling, touch or anything. I needed to be numb but a new kind of numb (I think) I needed to be in a dark, soundproof, padded cell curled up in a ball with a duvet (or doona for the Aussie contingent) 
Instead what I got was lots of conflicting noises, screaming, loud over excited kids, barking dog, shouty husband  (when I say shouty I just mean he is talking in his salesman loud voice) TV noise noise noise.
I felt bad because kids, husband and dog all wanted cuddles and affection from me, but all I wanted was deadened senses and silence. The final insult for me was taking my night time meds to knock me out into blissful unconsciousness, only for them not to have their usual effect and I could hear my husband snoring very loudly all bloody night, but I was too doped up to be able to communicate my anger or kick him as I normally would.

Today, feeling really lousy, just want to sleep the day away, but i am aware of a very messy house that will keep on calling to me until I have no choice but to get out of bed and clean. I think I might just take some PRN have a good sleep and then hopefully feel all awake and refreshed and able to tackle the days tasks.

Thanks for reading xxxx

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Self-esteem, Self- worth, Self-Respect: The Bill of Basic human rights

  • The Bill of basic human rights are:
  • The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self respect (as long as others rights are not violated in the process:

I really don't know how I CAN promote my dignity and self respect when I have no self respect. I think I have the power to stand up to someone if they started to tease me (or any of my friends) about my mental state of mind. Self respect means that you respect (duh) yourself and love what you see. I can see that it will always be an uphill battle for me, because I have had a life time of self- hatred and I disrespect myself and my body.

  • The right to be treated with respect:
To be treated with respect, you have to have respect for yourself. I am the master of deflecting peoples respect and putting a twist on it because my core-beliefs tell me I am worthless and useless so why would anyone want to show me any respect.
  • The right to say no and not feel guilty:
I am hopeless at this. I feel guilty saying no to anyone. This is always my downfall and usually an indication that my condition will deteriorate and I have self-harm thoughts. It has got me into a situation where I was being emotionally manipulated, and yet as much as I realised this, it took me a long time to turn around to this person and say "NO" enough is enough. 
I also have a deep rooted fear that if I do say no to someone, i am going to be hated and ridiculed. It gives me the worst feeling of guilt, the kind that makes you sick to your stomach.
  • The right to experience and express your feelings:
When I looked at this one in DBT I thought that it was something I couldn't do. But sitting here in front of the computer, I realise that this is what my blog allows me to do. I experience my many feelings and emotions and then am able to sit and express them through this blog. Progress for me YAY!!
  • The right to take time to slow down and think:
This is something that I will not let myself do. If I sit down and take time to think about things or think things through I end up making things a bigger/ worse deal than it really is, or I will talk myself out of something, or I put myself down. Slowing down is not permissible in my life, it has dangerous consequences.
  • The right to change your mind:
This is something I am getting better at. As I get more in touch with what I can and can't do with my mental illness I am able to judge when I am able to go out into the big real world and when I can't.
There are still sometimes when the guilt gets the better of me and I can't change my mind as much as I really know I should. (again fear of ridicule and rejection)
  • The right to ask for what you want:

  • I can do this most of the time, I'm just not very good at verbalising it. Also it is annoying when you want something; for example, a set of 120 prisma color pencils.  You ask very nicely, flutter your eyelashes and use your sexy voice, justify the need, for someone (eg) your husband to turn around and say no. I feel that that was a pretty big infringement on my right to ask for what I want...and get!!!
  • The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing:
I feel like I do this all of the time, but I am sure that it is not true. Not really sure I actually understand this one!
  • The right to ask for information:
I like to think I am pretty good at this one. I have always believed that it is important to keep informed about things, and have a knowledge of medication, treatments and  tests you have to have.  Sometimes I feel intimidated asking it, but I understand the need to understand is more important that the fear of asking a stupid question.
  • The right to make mistakes:
Mistakes do not compute in my brain. It is not permissible for me to make a mistake ever. If I make a mistake I consider myself a failure and punish myself accordingly. I try and relax this, but it is one of my rotten core beliefs that Mistakes= failure = punishment.
  • The right to feel good about yourself:
Yeah right! A life time of self hatred and zero self esteem make it impossible for me to feel good about myself.

I am still on a roll of being comfortably OK, still ok about the party on sunday, feeling in control, hoping to stay that way. It is nice to be in a mental headspace where I feel ok and that I don't want or need to hurt myself, to punish myself.

Oh and I baked a cake and it looks ok, but lets see when it has cooled down and I remove it from the tin!!

Thank you for reading.xxxx