Thursday, 30 June 2011

F off FOF


I think I have experienced my first out-and out judgement on me and my mental illness. By a basic stranger (friend of a friend), but someone i've never been anything other than nice to. It feels strange because I do project judgement onto myself, but when you know it is real and there in flesh and blood it makes me ANGRY.
I am only a risk to myself. I am a mother of 2 children and am sensible enough to know that if I become a danger to anyone other than myself I will phone up my doctor and get sent to hospital. I go to Belmont rather than Currumbin because my husband works in Brisbane and is therefore a more convenient choice for us. No other sinister reason than that.

 I would never be around anyone when I am feeling unsafe, apart from people who know and I trust and people I know understand. I would not do anything to anyone else, especially not anyone else's child.

I would also not be around other children if I thought I was a threat to anyone else than myself and I have DRs, psychologists and so on all telling me the only person I am a menace to is myself. And I am also only a menace to my ownself on my own property/ hospital.

If you happen to be said friend of friend, then feel free to get my phone number and call and we can have a conversation about this because most of the time I am good, this blog is about me setting free emotions that would otherwise build up and make me not safe. You have made me feel angry by not directly asking friend the questions you so desperately want to ask.

Now on to my actual topic of blogging.
This epilepsy business.
I hate it.
Can someone direct me to the point in my life where I took the wrong path made the wrong decisions to do the wrong things. To try so hard to be the person I was not supposed to be. Show me where I should have gone and who I should have been to avoid all this messed up shit that goes on in my head.

Is it because I have tried so hard all my life to fit in with people I had no right fitting in with? is it because I was always a try hard? is it because I didn't make a stand when people bullied my friends, or that I could not fight back when I was being bullied. Was I trying too hard to be someone I wasn't, was it I wasn't trying hard enough to be what I was?

Whatever it is, whatever it was I have made it on to someones shit list, and I am now a slave to 7 different medications which make me feel like the living dead, a huge burden on my husband who has to carry the weight of my illness on his shoulders and now also has to be my transport, my financial support my cheer leader. He is my donkey my "irritating talking beast of burden" to quote shrek!!

I am doing everything possible to make myself come good, to make myself a better person, and then just when I  think everything's going so well, I get kicked down to the ground and I have to pick myself up again. Well this time it is not so easy and I  feel like I am clawing my way across the floor.
I feel like I am a let down to my family for being so honest
I feel like I am a let down to my family for being so far away
I feel like I am a let down for not being a functional wife
I feel like I am a let down for not being a functional mum
I feel like a let down for not being a functional person
I feel like a let down for being a slave to pills
I feel like a let down for letting a stranger make me feel so bloody angry
I feel like a let down for letting this stranger question every last thing about me
I feel Angry about leting this stranger question whether I should even continue to blog
I feel angry, numb, empty, failed, malfunctioned, stupid.


  1. Hey C, I am sorry I told you I was annoyed about it and should have kept it to myself. It is plain ignorance and nothing else. She doesn't even get me. You are your family and they would not exist without you my dear, dear and amazing friend. I love you for who you are and think you are being far too hard on yourself. I am so sorry I upset you. I was sharing and not caring. Boo to me. We need to find something fun to do. Lets buy some more op shop crockery and have a rage filled breaking day.

  2. Don't feel bad, it was not your fault, you were not to know. I was in a deep dark hole before you told me and I really should not have written this. don't feel bad for telling me and I am sorry if I have made you worse for me writing my shit. I still love youxxxx