I have had a very empowering week. I feel that to some degree I was living a normal life. I have socialised fairly frequently which is something that I lost when I had my breakdown. It was nice to get in touch with my old friends and realise they were still there for me, still my friends with no judgments made.
It was my daughters 2nd birthday last week (thursday) and I planned "A small, simple gathering" to celebrate her turning 2. My small simple gathering was about 30 adults and 30 kids!!! I always seem to do this and usually it would cause me to collapse, but I think I held it together really well and enjoyed being in the presence of all the people that mean something to me. I tried to make sure I spoke to everyone, but I think I failed that one quite miserably but just the amount of joy, happiness and laughs coming from the party was so healing for me. I thank everyone that came to Amelia's party for making it a happy, joyous time and thanks for all the amazing presents.
Monday I had my repeat EEG, and that got me wound up in the wonderful "Worry cycle" because I think i put words and meaning in my head from things the technician said to me. But as I have learned in DBT: although it is important to me, it is out of my control, therefore I wont try to think about it until the results are given to me. My worrying is not going to change those results.
Tuesday I was feeling a bit shaky and a bit off centre, but I think most of that was worrying about things out of my control!! In fact when I woke up, the thought of going to DBT horrified me so much I wasn't going to go. But that = avoidance and I don't benefit from not going, in fact I would have missed what turned out to be a very helpful session for me. Also I really like my DBT crew and would have missed seeing them and talking to them (and I will apologise once more for the coffee table incident with the nightmare person from hell!!)
in the afternoon after aimlessly wondering around the Carindale centre for ages window shopping, I started to feel hyper sensitive, and by the time my husband got to pick me up (4:15 instead of 3) I was feeling over stimulated (not as kinky as it sounds sadly!) my body just could not handle any more noise, feeling, touch or anything. I needed to be numb but a new kind of numb (I think) I needed to be in a dark, soundproof, padded cell curled up in a ball with a duvet (or doona for the Aussie contingent)
Instead what I got was lots of conflicting noises, screaming, loud over excited kids, barking dog, shouty husband (when I say shouty I just mean he is talking in his salesman loud voice) TV noise noise noise.
I felt bad because kids, husband and dog all wanted cuddles and affection from me, but all I wanted was deadened senses and silence. The final insult for me was taking my night time meds to knock me out into blissful unconsciousness, only for them not to have their usual effect and I could hear my husband snoring very loudly all bloody night, but I was too doped up to be able to communicate my anger or kick him as I normally would.
Today, feeling really lousy, just want to sleep the day away, but i am aware of a very messy house that will keep on calling to me until I have no choice but to get out of bed and clean. I think I might just take some PRN have a good sleep and then hopefully feel all awake and refreshed and able to tackle the days tasks.
Thanks for reading xxxx
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