I refuse to censor myself.

This is my blog, my personal diary of my journey through the ups and downs of my mental illness.
I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) PND (post natal depression) PTSD (post traumatic distress) GAD (generalised Anxiety disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder and depression. Long standing depression.

What I write in this blog is a true reflection of what is happening in my life and the impact it has on me and my family. Sometimes the things I write are horrible. I talk about things that many can not comprehend. Like how did I get to the point where I wanted to end everything, where my brain started telling me I needed to physically punish myself and do horrific things to myself, and how can I be blessed with such an amazing family, yet feel so numb and so empty a lot of the time.

I am doing DBT which is a course that is helping me learn and understand the whys and the wherefores and there are lots of aspects about my mental health that even i don't understand. Until the point it all makes sense I am going to keep doing this blog and continue to be as frank and honest as I have been preciously. I refuse to censor myself because I need this outlet. Writing a personal journal does not work because I don't write it, but blogging is like writing it on a page and setting it on fire. Once the words are written and the publish post button pushed it has gone and it is a weight off my mind.
I will put "trigger" in the title if it is a bad one, but basically if you don't want to read about what I am going through, then simply don't read. If you are interested, then by all means continue and I am never afraid to answer any questions you may have on the various aspects of my illness.

I am back to numbness due to a change in subject in DBT and it is taking all my energy and effort not to do the things my brain is telling me to do. I have to thank my friend Laura for having me over night and for letting me OCD her living area as a form of avoidance from the dark and evil things my brain wants me to do to myself.

I have a lot to work on this week, and it is going to be hard and take all my energy to stay on the straight and narrow. But I refuse to give in to my toxic waste, my alien so I am going to fight.