Thursday 28 April 2011

Take the pills to numb the pain.


I am about to go to bed, and floating around my head is the line "Life's too short to be afraid, Take the pills to numb the pain, you don't have to take the blame"



I reach into my medicine locker and pull out the 6 tablets I have to take to enable me to sleep. When I wake it is 5, during the day it can be 4 or 5 more depending on the day.


They help, yes. But is it the answer? is this my life for ever...pills to keep me happy, pills to keep me balanced, pills to make me numb, pills to help me sleep. Pills to do every basic fundamental part of living. I realise life is too short to be afraid, but I am. Every waking moment of my life right now. I stand on the edge of a cliff too scared to look down because what is down there is the "Unknown" the cause of my pain and torture and mental anguish. Will I ever be strong enough to look down into the void and actually face my daemons?


And I do have to take the blame. I made myself this way for not dealing with whatever is down there, no-one else did it for me it was all of my doing. But really can't someone please step forward and tell me WTF made me this way because right now I'll be damned if I know.


I am going to be in therapy for a long time, I will be stripped piece by piece until I have no choice but to look down and face it for what it really is. So CBT, DBT, TDU, possible epilepsy.


I may act strong, but right now I am a tiny little girl sitting cowered in the corner too scared to even say "boo" to a mouse.


Will I ever, ever be "Me"? have I ever actually allowed myself to be me? Will I ever be sane, or will I always be that woman who had kids then couldn't cope and went a little bit loopy (well a lot loopy actually, but that is by the by)


Have I ever been in control of my life? have I ever actually done something that I really wanted to do for myself (other than have my beautiful children)
I feel that my life right now is one HUGE paranoid delusion and I am pushing everyone away, and I really don't want to, but I am scared of the judgement that probably only exists in my head.


So, I sit here with the 6 pills in my hand, my miracle cure, my sanity fixer...when really all they do is numb the pain, which contradicts the therapy that tells us to sit with the pain and accept it for what it is.


I am too scared of the implications of not taking them, so I will drink them down with a glass of water and be a good little girl and do as I am told.


One day I hope I get to meet the real me.


I'll end with Robbies song "Strong" my anthem for bedtime.




"Strong"

My breath smells of a thousand fags
And when I'm drunk I dance like me Dad
I've started to dress a bit like him

Early morning when I wake up
I look like Kiss but without the make up
And that's a good line to take it to
The bridge

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

My bed's full of takeaways and fantasies
Of easy lays
The pause button's broke on my video
And is this real cos I feel fake
Oprah Winfrey Ricki Lake
Teach me things I don't need to know

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

If I did it all again I'd be a nun
The rain was never cold when I was young
I'm still young we're still young
Life's too short to be afraid
Step inside the sun

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And I'm trying to grow

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame

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