Sit down next to me.

 "  I'll sing my self to sleep
    A song from the deepest hour
    Secrets I can't keep 
    Inside of the day
    Swing from high to deep
    Extremes of sweet and sour
    I hope that god exists
    I hope, I pray


    Drawn by the undertow
    My life is out of control
    I believe this wave will bear my weight
    So let it flow"


   "Those who feel the breath of sadness
    Sit down next to me,
    Those who feel they're touched by madness
    Sit down next to me,
    Those who find themselves ridiculous
    Sit down next to me.
    In love, in fear, hate, in tears,
    In love, and fear, and hate and tears
    do-own"


These are the beginning and end lyrics of the song "Sit down" by James, a UK band big in the 90's...not sure if they made their way out here.


Anyway, as we were driving home from DBT this afternoon, this song came on and it hit me, the words so meaningful to me and how I feel at the moment. (apart from the god bit)


Another verse is:
"It's hard to carry on
 When you feel all alone
 Now I've swung back down again 
 Its worse than it was before
 If I hadn't seen such riches 
 I could live with being poor" 


With mental illness, you may well have a good support network and have support from friends and family, but it is such an isolating illness because there are no physical or visual indicators. And unless you get to the point where you can actually feel what is wrong with you and verbalise it, it is something you suffer alone.


In DBT we learn about our emotions, we get given a list of words which correspond to a particular emotion, and feelings and thoughts associated with that emotion. 
We learn that to get better we have to let ourselves experience emotions and "SIT" with them. Don't react, don't avoid, but sit with it and feel it and accept it for what it is.
This is all well and good. BUT and it is a big but, I have spent the past 30 something years not allowing myself to feel emotion, pushing it down and hiding it away in a dusty cobwebby portion of my brain that is long forgotten.
Feeling emotion to me, is a sign of weakness, reacting to emotion is even worse.


I know what the emotions are and I know the feeling words associated with them, but the big bad thing, the one thing that makes it hard for me to fix myself is that I just can't let myself feel them. Instead I am numb and I am empty and to me, that is safety. It makes me hard to get along with, I have a HUGE personal space bubble and keep people on the other side of that. I have had a life of letting people in, only to get kicked in the face and slam-dunked on the floor and being let down. I have been bullied, teased and victimised. Each time learning how to squash my feelings down more and more, becoming more established in the art of feeling nothingness and numbness, but at the same time feeling everything in this big confusing black-hole forming way.


So to have someone sit in front of me and tell me I have to feel these emotions, identify them before you get to "code red" and explode then sit with it just does not feel right to me, it doesn't "sit" right with me.
When I hate myself so much, how is it possible to feel love? I can not conceive that anyone in their right mind would like me, even less so want to marry me and have a family. Which means it is my husband is insane and I know that is not true!!! (...well sometimes I wonder!!)
This hate feeds the anger. I don't have any in-betweens I go from irritated to full on rage within seconds.
Emotions are hard, emotions suck, I wish that it was ok and healthy to be numb and empty but it tends to end you up in a psychiatric hospital in a complete mess.
I will try and identify and name my emotions, I will try my very hardest to SIT with them but it looks like mission impossible for me at the moment.
So...does anyone want to come and sit with me?
xx