Ray of light.

I don't know how many times I have sat down and tried to write a post this week, but I just have not been in the right head-space to verbalise my thoughts and feelings.
So we have basically skipped a whole week of the dark-and-twisties, and I now have the inspiration to write!!


On thursday in DBT we looked into validation (confusing and in the "too hard basket" at the moment) and also distress Tolerance to help us through the Easter long weekend. The sheets listed different ways to cope with our emotions and the one I liked the most was "With Vision" going and looking at things that make you feel happy.


I sit outside on the front balcony and during the day I look at the various different views we have of the area, I listen to the birds singing, and simply watch the world go by (which can be fun if it is raining and the tradies are up on a roof getting wet!!)


One morning this week I was woken abruptly at 4am to my husbands alarm going off (a very loud, obnoxious, hard to ignore honking that gets louder and louder). I woke up angry as it was effectively in my opinion still the middle of the night. But I grabbed a mug of coffee and sat on my little balcony and found my new piece of heaven. NIGHT TIME. Looking up at the sky and looking at the moon and the stars and enjoying the peace and quiet that is a still and sleepy time. 
Last night I stayed up late, and before going to bed went and sat outside to look at the stars. It was such a clear night I could see the milky way, and all the stars in the sky were so bright and so beautiful, the soothing noise of the cicada's, frogs and other miscellaneous night time animals/ insects. I was "in the moment" and so at peace with myself, a place I have not been  for a very, very long time.


Last night I decided that rather than being the dark-and-twisty black hole that saps the light and joy out of everything it touches, I want to be a star. I want to be part of the milky way. A bright and shiny star amongst a million others, co-existing and lighting up the night's sky to make something beautiful.


I think I might even be making baby-steps in the right direction to getting there. Since friday I have created 2 great pieces of art work. One very dark and twisty, but beautiful at the same time, the other is different to all the other stuff I have done, but I am very proud of it.
So I have actually allowed myself to feel: pride, happiness, a sense of achievement with my art.
Pride and happiness that my husbands hard work with Cameron is paying off (but tinged with a touch of guilt it is not me) joy that we have been able to have some time alone watching something other than batman or scooby-doo in the evenings.
Pride that I "sat" with my emotion of pure anger and rage and feelings of numbness and instead of reacting the normal way I do, I turned it into a piece of art instead.


I CAN have HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!!

Zephyr in the sky at night I wonder
Do my tears of mourning sink beneath the sun
She's got herself a universe gone quickly
For the call of thunder threatens everyone

And I feel like I just got home
And I feel
And I feel like I just got home
And I feel

Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
She's got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one.
Lyrics by Madonna.