Born of Frustration.

More James song lyrics, seem to sum up my life nicely right now.

Today, my "mindfulness day" A day where I allow myself to do things I enjoy.

My plan was to make a felt bowl, do some drawing, listen to music, watch TV, walk the dog.
My felt bowl started off well, it was fun and therapeutic covering and forming the felt. I was so carried away with the process that I did not realise I had been listening to the same song for over an hour!!

My Bowl started to go wrong, the attachments I tried to add wouldn't stick, my felt wouldn't felt properly and it started coming away and go wrinkly. I lost my temper so tried to draw...nothing was flowing. I have officially completely lost my artistic mojo.

Tried to find some music to listen to, but nothing was right, it was either too poppy, too noisy or too depressing. Also had to compete with the tradies opposite, who for all intents and purposes might as well have been firing the nail gun in my head.

It was a lovely day and would have loved nothing more than to take Barney for a walk, but the "big bad wolf" was outside and I could not convince myself it was ok and safe to go outside. Couldn't even get past the front door.

So I took my pills and went to sleep to prevent the more destructive side of me coming out. This is avoidance, everything at the moment is avoidance. I am not dealing with my daemons,  because they make me hurt myself. I don't have the strength and will power to do what I need to keep me safe.

I need to see a neurologist. It took me over an hour to find one that was actually taking patients and had an appointment that was remotely some time this year.

Tonight we are once again going through the tears, the shouting, the tantrums and the absolute despair that is trying to get Cameron to sleep. My threshold is low and I am about to give in and avoid once more and take my sleeping pills and go to bed with him. I am weak, and I am a failure and I can not get past this.

Another night of not spending time with my husband, another night of us growing that bit further apart. I am not coping with this either. I want someone to fix me. I want to go back in time to when we worked as a family and we were "Happy". Will it ever, ever get there or have I ruined everything for good?

Tonight I have to remember my advice to the girl in my drawing. Hugs and love, not option a.

Finally before the song, I would like to say say a huge thanks to Jess for phoning me up, it was lovely to talk and catch up with a friend much missed.


Lyrics to Born Of Frustration :

All this frustration
I can’t meet all my desires
Strange conversation
Self-control has just expired
All an illusion
Only in my head you don’t exist
Who are you fooling
Don’t need a shrink but an exorcist

Show me the movie
Of who you are and where you’re from
Born of frustration
Caught up in the webs you’ve spun
Where’s the confusion
A vision of what life is like
Show me the movie
That doesn’t deal in black and white

Stop stop talking about who’s to blame
When all that counts is how to change

I’m living in the weirdest dream
Where nothing is the way it seems
Where no one’s who they need to be
Where nothing seems that real to me
How can we build our lives upon
No wall of stone, no solid ground
The world is spinning endlessly
We’re clinging to our own beliefs

Born of frustration
Born of frustration

(removed chorus as not very relevant)