Anger=0, Me=1

Indifference and dis-interest are two emotions that trigger me. They make me so angry I want to lash out, and to hurt myself. To rip myself to shreds until the anger has dissipated.
I haver realised that these two emotions make me feel invalidated and invisible. It makes me feel like all the things I do are worthless, which triggers the pointlessness, which in turn make me feel like a waste of space, and there is no point to my existence. Then comes the numbness and emptiness.


I suppose this is a break through, but I can not see how to turn it into a positive. However I did not hurt myself, I just lost my temper with the broom (which then broke) and continued doing the stuff I was doing regardless. However I am full of anger and resentment still and I suppose what I am doing is "Sitting with it" Yay. Something from DBT seems to be taking some space in my brain finally.
This afternoon I painted my anger away whilst listening to music very loudly. I got covered in wood stain, I can't quite get over just how much I got on myself, but wood stain sure beats my former methods for dealing with anger and numbness.


Maybe it is because I am an impulsive person, when I get an idea in my head, and there are no other suggestions for the day, I want to do it and do it well. Maybe my impulsivity breeds indifference, because I am impulsive all the time. Be it shopping, drinking, cleaning, creating a serene and lovely functional garden. I get ideas, grand ideas and when I get them I usually need/ want to do them ASAP.
For this I am sorry, but unfortunately I will always be mostly impulsive. Maybe some of it is my illness, but some of it is me...one of my "quirks".


So I sit here this evening, still with Anger festering but it is sitting beside me placed in my box with my toxic waste and alien and for once I have beaten it. 


I am a star, maybe not as bright as I thought the other day, but at least I am not a dark star so something deep inside my brain is finally beginning to get it.