waste of time.

Sometimes I wonder what the point to all of this is. Today I just want to put my hand up in the air, wave the white flag and say enough is enough. I kind of feel like my mouth is saying words, but no-one is really listening. I feel like maybe I am just a drama queen, I feel like whatever I do or say it will always be unheard, mis-interpreted and misunderstood. I want to grab someone by the neck and shout my issues at them until they get it, but it wont make a difference because I think my words are all wrong and that maybe I am just an unintentional attention seeker? I don't know anymore. Maybe I should just shut up.

I have a few things going on in my head right now. One flashback that has side-swiped me and left me feeling slightly unnerved about how not crazy it is sending me. It is affecting me though, I am having frequent panic attacks and feel like my legs are made of jelly, and my head is doing funny things.

Since my crisis about the kids and their sleep issue, when my mind can't cope with anything else, I am getting random images flashing through my mind (a bit like someone changing channels with a remote, but ultra fast) and my head feels like a strobe.

I am not feeling good, I am running on empty. I am worried about how I am going to get through the next day and a bit, because the strength to cope, Be mindful and apply my DBT/CBT skills has run out and I just feel like banging my head against a brick wall over and over again.

I am a danger to myself, and I am not safe unless Jamie is here. But for the sake of my family and friends I will find what I can to fight to keep myself safe.
It is just too bloody hard today and I am over it.
I am fine if I am mentally occupied with something that makes me focus my whole attention on it, or when listening to music so loud it perforates your eardrums, or when stuck in a traffic jam with my husband having conversations on the logistics of someone pleasuring themselves whilst driving stuck in a traffic jam (not me or him, but random drivers!!) in fact if I could just be driven around in a car all day and all night I could guarantee my safety.

That is it for today, I just feel "Meh"