so you get 2 for the price of one today. My first blog this morning was typed on an ipad, it is impossible to see where you are writing or what you are writing; and as a consequence my post came out all mumbo-jumbo and in the wrong order.
There is a possibility that I could have epilepsy. That my weird dissociative states are not dissociation, but TLE or FLE (temporal or frontal lobe epilepsy) I did a bad thing. I googled it.
Now the thing with Dr Google is that he almost always diagnoses you with a tumour of sorts or some nasty degenerative or fatal disease. Once he has planted the evil seed of those thoughts it is bloody hard to get past them.
Thankfully today I am mostly in my rational mind, thanks to a lovely morning out at the spit with my family and dog. All very mindful, stimulating all the senses and it was fun watching my fully clothed kids crawl, run and splash in the shallow water (getting absolutely soaking wet and covered in sand) . The dog went crazy running around with all the other dogs, although he is an old duffer now and doesn't quite have the stamina he once did (he has been comatose since we got home!!!)
I now understand that hospital is the wrong place for me, because I can cope better than I thought with all the urges. I understand and realise that emotions come and go, the trick is to sit with them, to deal with them and move on. If i go to hospital, I just prolong the moping and let the negative thoughts get the better of me. It is not rehabilitation it is pure and simple avoidance of reality. Who'd of thought that a Psychiatrist would know best??!!!
I would like to thank Kim and Laura for some excellent distraction for me on friday, when I had planned to stay in bed, drugged up and moping. Instead I harnessed the awesome power of OCD and cleaned myself into a better state of mind (the pizza, chocolate, coffee and company helped no end either!!)
So I think at the moment I am my own worst enemy. I have never trusted myself (let alone like myself) and have never believed I knew the stuff I know. I sit in DBT and think that it is never going to sink in, I am never going to get it, or get better. BUT now I have concrete proof I do know what I know, i don't know how many times my psychiatrist or psychologist or husband has said it to me and I have just dismissed it, but something inside me has changed and now I can believe it for myself.
I feel EMPOWERED.
I also now feel like I can leave the house, I want to get outside in the fresh air and I want to be free from my self-made ball-and-chain. I want to walk the dog, go for a run, I want to conquer the world!! (I am even thinking of doing the 7.5km walk in the Gold Coast Marathon...anyone care to join me???)
I feel FREE.
Not sure how long these feelings will last, but I am holding on to them for as long as possible!!
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