Left in a Lurch.

From: "Oh the places you will go" by Dr Zeuss.

I'm sorry to say so,

but sadly, it's true

that Bang-ups 

and Hang-ups 

CAN happen to you.

You can get all hung up

in a prickly perch.

And your gang will fly on.

You'll be left in a lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch

with an unpleasant bump.

And the chances are then,

that you'll be in a slump.

And when you're in a Slump,

you're not in for much fun.

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

I am stuck in a Slump and I have no idea how to get out of it. It is like a broken record playing and re-playing the same song over and over again. It is a song that completely breaks my heart and something I have lost all control over.

Every evening it is the same. The tears, the crying, the tantrums. The fighting, hitting, spitting and demands for me. Asking, begging me to give them something I just don't have the power to give them right now. 

If I give in to the demands, I end up in bed at 7 and make the cycle harder and harder to break.  I wonder how I ever made it get to this point, how is it that I have never been able to help my son settle himself or go to sleep. Every time it comes to bedtime me heart breaks just a little bit more. Right now it feels like there is nothing left to break. 

Is it all my fault for trying so hard to do the right thing when he was a baby. My failure to recognise I had PND? have I just made it 100 times worse for being admitted to a psychiatric hospital not once, but twice. 

I know my kids pick up on my emotions and that it affects them so deeply, I try not to show them how I am feeling, but it just makes it worse. I am an unfit mum. I am a failure.

The pressure this has all put on my marriage is huge. We argue over every little thing at the moment because the house is just a boiling point of anger and frustration. Jamie is amazing and wonderful and I love him, but whenever we are together it is so stressful it is impossible to relax and be comfortable in each others company. Or either he or me falls asleep trying to calm Cameron down, that we barely see each other throughout the day. If and when the battle is won, we are both so exhausted from it all there is  just nothing left to say or do.

I am fighting this beast, this toxicity inside me to try and make everything alright again, I did CBT I am doing DBT, I see my psychiatrist, I tend to avoid my one-on-one sessions with my DBT therapist because I don't want to hear how crap I am or how much of a failure I am.  

How the hell do I get out of this fucking great big mess I have created? How do I fix it? How can I change it? Can somebody come forward and tell me, because right now I don't know what is right, what is wrong, what is up or what is down?

As Madonna says in one of her songs:

"why do all the things I say, sound like the stupid things I have said before?"

The biggest problem I have with my mental illness is the extremes of high to low and how frequently the change is from good to bad.

Somebody somewhere please help me, because I feel like I am drowning.