It is all too hard!

I feel very strange today. It is like I am walking the fine line between sanity and madness. Ihave my down days, my very dark and twisty days, my ok days and my borderline manic days.

Yesterday was a very dark and twisty day, but today with a mammoth amount of effort on my part today has been an ok day.
It has taken every ounce of energy to distract myself. I distracted myself with TV and a movie, eating junk, drinking copious amounts of coffee and doing my art. It is amazing just how much energy it takes. But I suppose I did it and I am still here so that is all good.

My head is starting to cave in with the complexity of my illness and all it's different facets, and fighting the good fight becomes almost mission impossible. I am finding it impossible to sleep properly, and even with medication, my usual fall back plan, I am unable to sleep thanks to flashbacks and really surreal dreams (some of which feel like real life and it is often hard to distinguish what is reality and what was just a dream.

I am just not coping with the swings of extreme anguish and depression, to mania and normality (or my weird interpretation of normal.)
the good thing about it is I am creating some really good art work, and people have expressed kinterest in buying it which has to be good, but apart from that I don't see I am making anymore progress.
I still can't get myself out of the house, it is like there is a force field surrounding it and it blocks me from going out of the front door or even going out into the back garden to hang out washing. I hate this and it frustrates me because there is no rational reason for me to not go out side.

Today I think I had a fit. I blacked out, only very briefly but then it felt like my eyes were rolling and dancing and evything was flashing. It was like someone rapidly switching a light on and off. Once it was over, I had a headache. I can't wait to get it checked out to See if it is dissociation or fits.

I don't know how much longer I can maintain this effort involved in being in control, and I'm not even sure now if I am doing the distraction thing correctly or if I am simply just avoiding and wearing my mask of "I'm ok".

Some days I just long for the olden days when everything was managed by drinking a bottle of wine or 10.