Rambling observations of the past few days.

Whenever you are feeling odd (eg flat) and spending most of your day asleep in bed, it pays to look at what is going on in your life and start putting names to things.

Up until yesterday I felt flat, and was sleeping a lot, but was confused as to why. Nothing was really going on it was just another typical weekend.

On reflection though, and some cross-examination from my psychologist I was:

Stressed due to an emotionally manipulative person repeatedly e-mailing me.

Angry and stressed that simple plans on saturday became too complicated because I can't drive long distance. 

Angry and withdrawn on sunday because the weekend (in my head) had become too chaotic and disorganised and far out of any boundaries of boxing, sectioning and organising that my mind thrives on.

Pressure because I can not say "NO" to anyone, when really I needed to.

Stressed and scared and frightened about my husband having to go to Sydney for 2 days in a couple of weeks time.

DBT itself is a major trigger, becuase it makes you look at yourself and make changes. It is very tiring.

That on top of a couple of nights of poor sleep = not very happy me + fucked up head.

So I suppose there is an answer to every mystery, it just takes looking in the right places and using the facilities provided (something I am usually very bad at)

In DBT we were kind of challenged to pick one aspect of our life that we want to improve and make small steps to improve. I have chosen believing in myself and boosting my self esteem (a nice, small easy thing to change....not)

The plan is affirmations, listening to a podcast about boosting self esteem and writing a list of strengths that I have. Will I be able to do it? I don't think so but I will try to try my hardest.

Today does not feel like a good day to start because stress levels high, coping skills low, desire to make myself a better person...god knows. If the start to today is anything to go by, I will be making a hasty retreat to my bed and hiding myself under the doona until tomorrow.

Tonight in an attempt to boost my self esteem I am going to sit down and look at the progress I have made since January and blog it.

Thank you for reading xxx