Feeling kinda good right now!

On thursday I will have completed my first module in DBT. The past 6 weeks have been challenging, triggery and overwhelming.

At the beginning of the module (Emotional reasoning) I had no concept of it, I had mastered the art of pushing my emotions down and away before I had a chance to do anything with them. Emotions were scary and numbness easier to live with than the harsh reality that is feeling.

The first few handouts I got I had written things like "my brain won't let me feel happiness", "I will never be able to sit with my emotions because I will never get in touch with them" "Validating feelings and emotions is mission impossible".

At the beginning I was numb and empty (still empty) and instead of sitting with my emotions and accepting them for what they were, they would turn into anger and punishment which I turned in towards myself and would take appropriate action against myself.

Now I am able to identify quite a few things, I can manage my anger a bit better, and I have even welcomed the emotions "JOY and HAPPINESS" into my life. It is a shock to the system to realise this and my brain still fights it, but the seeds have been planted and fertilised and will hopefully grow and squash out all the bad stuff.

The only thing that is bugging me right now is my UFO. My unidentifiable feeling that is following me around like a bad smell. I don't know what it is and can not identify or label it. I just know it is bad.
I have been dissociating a lot too, which for those that don't know is kind of like a very complicated and hard to explain  out-of-body experience.
I just hope it isn't my body fighting all that i have achieved, and I hope it isn't something disturbing from my past waiting for the right time to leap out and slap me in the face.

Anyway, in summary I have an enormous sense of well-being and achievement and it is amazing how different a person I am from the beginning of the year. I like to thank my DBT group for helping me get there, and all my friends for supporting me....I still have a looooong way to go though, but hopefully it is onwards and upwards from here!