Positive always attracts negatives. Physics sucks.

I was having such a good day today. I finished a couple more pieces of art and felt pretty damned chuffed with myself.
I took the dog for a walk. There was no big bad wolf, no black ninja's hiding in the woods ready to leap out and attack me, no ghosts, ghouls or bogeymen. Just me, my dog and a few hundred lorakeets or whatever they are called. Yay more positives, this DBT really is the good shit I can see a very small pin prick of light down the end of the very long tunnel.
I was feeling Happy and Joy, I was Proud, I was Elated.

Then.

I discover I am very scared of talking to my old friends, I find it hard to find common ground and I feel like I have got "Nutter" tattoo'd on my forehead. I hear words coming out of my mouth but they don't sound right, I feel like I am talking gibberish and I can not relax. In my mind I see them sitting in judgement on me and I hear them think "oh my god, she is so mad, crazy and effed up in the head" then I go into a whirlwind of panic.
This is the beginning of the withdrawal stage once more. Keep my self safe by being on my own.

And Then....

I ended up putting myself back at high school/ university/ any other miscellaneous real life places yesterday. I knew as soon as I started speaking it was wrong, that i was talking out of turn. It wasn't my business and in the little decision box they teach us in DBT it was not important to me, and it was out of my control. DBT says....let it go. Oh how I wish I had remembered that. But it is too late, and words can not be retracted and I feel like shit.
There is a part of me that has always been there. I want to fix people, make people happy/ better/ take away their suffering. I put an enormous amount of effort into it but I really don't think I have ever miraculously fixed anyone.
In being like this I suffer quite frequently with 'foot in mouth' disease, fail to engage brain before speaking and then pour out words with verbal diahorroea. My head screams out "stop" but I can't until "mission save the world" is complete.
I know as soon as I have done it I shouldn't have,  that it is not my battle to fight, or my war to win but I entangle myself regardless.

So this situation which has happened a few times recently, I regress into a headmucked teenager (that's incase my parents are reading!!) and it puts me right slam bang into punishment mode and i punish myself. I feel like banging my head repeatedly against my craft table in the hope I will bang all of this out but it is never going to happen. Pain is the only answer.

And so for the rest of the day and the week I will have my toxic waste telling me that I am an interfering so and so, I have no right to voice my opinion, I only end up hurting the people more than I help them.

I am hanging on for dear life to my avoidance and mindfulness right now so I don't lose control completely. Life would be so much easier right now if I could down 10 bottles of wine and erase the thoughts, vomit them down the toilet, numb them out of my head.

Why am I such a fuck up?