I have a thing, a personality "quirk" for want of a better word, where I want to fix people. I want to reach out and take away their pain and suffering and make them whole again, make them happy.
There is one particular person on my mind right now, L, I wish that I could take away all her pain and suffering and leave her with a life worth living, giving her all the happiness and joy she deserves to have.
I hope to see you again in this life, but if not I'll see you in the next.
But I know I can't, she is the only one that can do that and I just have to live with it. I wish I could do this for my DBT group too but I can't. I know I am not a miracle maker or an all powerful being I am just simply me.
The thing that frustrates me the most about this though is sometimes it has been taken advantage of, and I have been emotionally manipulated (and I fall for it every time). But mostly is why can I do this and feel this for other people, people that I have known for relatively short periods of time, but I just can not do it for myself.
I have no belief in myself, I don't particularly like myself, I can't understand why people like me. I am a prisoner of my mind and it is full of crap, therefore my brain says "I am not worthy of me wanting to fix me". I try, I try really hard most days and for the past 6 days I really felt like I got it, like it was all working out the right way for a change.
Then I discover my mega mindfulness sessions were not mindful, they were mindless and therefor avoidance. Now I pleaded ignorance to this avoidance. I wasn't avoiding anything, I'm just really, really mindful...but today I had to realise and admit the thing that I have been and still am avoiding is this complete inability to get outside my house. I can do it when Jamie is here, as there is no force field. But when I am home alone and I want to go for a walk I just can not do it. I fear the unknown and unidentifiable feeling of discomfort and I am going to have to work on it this week.
I also thought I had been doing a really terrific job at coping. Turns out it is OCD and I am compartmentalising and ritualising things I do obsessively.
OCD is an arse hole, just when you think you've got it all sorted out OCD pops itself up in a different form in your life. It is a nightmare.
I just can't seem to find the happy balance, in fact I don't know how else to be because things start falling apart when there is no structure, no routine, no "putting things in boxes".
Something my psychiatrist said to me today hit a nerve. We were discussing my son Cameron, who has issues sleeping and self soothing. He asked me how he gets on in kindy, and he does fine. He is happy, interactive, playful and goes to sleep. No fuss, No shenanigans no blood curdling screams of muuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
At home however it is different. Bed time is a constant source of stress for me and I have a very low (to no) threshold of tolerance for the cries for mummy. I can't cope with the fight to get him into bed and then to stay in bed.
So my Psych said that there is something that I do, or a way in which I act, or whatever that makes Cameron feel needy and as soon as he steps into the house and I am there he relies on me as his soothing and sleeping mechanism. So now I worry that I am too clingy and too needy of his love and affection or that I over do things as a warped way of making up for being a complete nutter...and as a result making him feel the need to...I don't know...maybe need me because he thinks he is helping me.
So now I see myself as a failure at CBT and DBT because I put a twist on things, I am a failure as a mum for projecting things onto my son, a failure because I can only function utilising my OCD. I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall all over again, becuase now I just can't see how to correct my errors and get me back in line.
As you can see I spend all my time in my head, trapped in my mind, thinking, thinking and over thinking every little thing. Every minute detail wondering how I could do things differently.
So in the words of Robbie williams:
I'm contemplating, thinking about thinkin'
It's overrated just get another drink in
And watch me come undone.....
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