Another good day, that makes 6 in a row now. It is an empowering feeling, but at the same time unnerving. I am always looking over my shoulder waiting to stumble and fall back into bad habits.
One major downside to this new found happiness is that my art is suffering. I think I need to be depressed to create my works of art, but I am trying to embrace the spiritual side of my life and hopefully that will bring forward more creativity!
I found myself in the position where I was faced with someone suffering and in the mental place that I was in January. This person is hurting so much that they can't cope anymore, and have given in and given up.
The impact it had on me was quite profound, now I can truly understand what I put my husband and family through. How they knew I was unwell but did not know how far I would go into the bad stuff. If I knew then what I know now would i be able to communicate better? I'm not sure, but I know what it is like to not understand the irrational mind and the power it had over me and the power it has over my friend.
My friend is very intelligent and very wise and old enough to understand the impact of her actions and I wish I could take away her pain and suffering and "Fix" her. However, from my learnings in DBT it is something I have no control over, so I have to let it go, and what will be will be.
Now when my family nag me to write an email and keep in touch, I will do because I understand how scary and confusing this all is for them.
Right now my brain is hurting and not functioning properly and I have my funny sensory delay in my left hand. I hope I get my referrals for scans, tests and neurologists soon.
Can't think of anything else to say, so thanks for reading.
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